chaosvizier

Did I teach a class on Tuesday? Yes.

Did I accidentally hit myself on the bridge of the nose with my own weapons? Also Yes.

Did I continue teaching class even though I could feel blood streaming down the side of my nose and soaking into my mask while my students gazed in horror, unable to stop me? Also Also Yes.

Am I an unstoppable madman? Regrettably, also also also yes.

So, as a person who has never really broken a bone before, this broken arm thing is a fresh new experience for me. I just thought I'd ramble on about all those things that just don't work right here anymore. If you've done this before, then you know: THE STRUGGLE IS REAL.

0.5: TYPING. Before I start the real part of this list, let's be frank: I type a lot. With both hands, proper typing form and all that. Losing my right hand has led to...inaccuracies. So pardon any typos you see here; I've got one finger doing all the work of one hand and it will show.

1. LIFTING. I'm not a strong human being by any stretch of the imagination, but I can carry some weight if I need to. Surprise! Not any more! Any significant weight on this arm brings an equally significant amount of pain. Grocery bags? No deal. Winter jacket? Heavier than I thought. Laptop? CHUNKY. An add on to this category would be TWISTING or PULLING. If I keep my wrist stationary, nor problem, I can carry a glass of water without issue. BUT! If I have to pour water from a pitcher into the glass, now we have issues. Same with opening a door - turning the knob can be tricky, and then pulling the heavy door open with the hand twisted... nope. It's all up to Lefty.

2. EATING. I have, in the past week, missed my mouth with silverware more times than should ever be allowed. It's worse than Ted Stryker's drinking problem in "Airplane!" I suppose on the plus side it regulates my intake and slows me down when I want to shovel food into my gaping maw. Of course, non-silverware-requisite items like sandwiches and cookies are exempt from this issue. But two-handed coordination issues like popping a pill with one hand and chugging a drink with the other can be challenging.

3. COMPUTERING. Typing aside, the switch from righty mouse to lefty mouse borders on apocalyptic. It ain't happening. It's like being an American and then driving in England: it seems ok for a bit and then suddenly you're in the middle of some crazy wee village and there are cows everywhere and everything is backward and GAME OVER YOU DIED.

4. TOOTHBRUSH. I expected this to be easier, I really did. I was mistaken. This more than anything has pushed me to consider an electric toothbrush that would do the work for me. Still, this is better than...

5. THE TOILET. Really, the less said about this, the better.

6. THE SHOWER. Most casts are not water proof and cannot get wet, which means taking lots of actions to protect the cast while still doing the needful to stay clean and non-stinky. I have this giant arm condom courtesy of CVS which covers the whole arm and has a tight rubber seal at the top to keep water out. This is great, but does not address the issue of how you still only have one good arm for use in cleaning. Fun fact: it's tough to clean the left armpit with the left hand. Things just don't bend that way.

7. DRIVING. I'm lucky here, because I have an automatic. If I had a manual transmission I would be so screwed. I can barely get my seat belt on without help from Lefty. I pity anyone with a manual and a broken right arm, you are done, my friend. Done.

8. PUNCHING. Ok, so maybe this doesn't apply to everyone (and shouldn't, really), but this does put a serious crimp in my karate training. My arm doesn't quite move right to do a lot of motions, and sudden movements still hurt quite a lot. So my overall effectiveness is way down, which is tough when you're the teacher and have to demonstrate all the movements to everyone. On the other side, I'm doing a lot of drills one-handed, including drills that require two hands, and it terrifies the younger students that I can do with one hand something that is designed for two, especially with weapons involved.

9. HOUSEKEEPING. Washing dishes? Nope. Laundry? Very slow. Vacuuming and sweeping? Challenging. Cooking? Hahaha just kidding, I sucked at cooking way before this arm broke; nothing's really changed there. Shoveling snow? Snowpe. Chainsaw? HAHAHAHANope. Dusting and wiping down surfaces? Ah, there's a job for Lefty. Cleaning snow and ice off of car? Sllllooowwww. Trash? Thank god for these new wheeled trash cans, muuuuch better. So... not the best in the house right now. That will cost me.

10. WORK. I type a lot at work, so my first comment applies in full force here. But I also meet and greet a lot of people, which means I shake a lot of hands. My first instinct is always extend the hand. Even with my close friends where I've known them for eons, I still put out the hand and then turn it into a hug. But I can't stop my instinct, and so I've taken a lot of painful handshakes because I operate without thought. Cheeky handshakes. Need to work on my fistbump.

So, in summary, don't break your primary arm. It will suck.

While this movie wasn't on my list of films to see, I went as a gesture of good will and... well, maybe not good will, more like malicious will. But that's beside the point. The review appears anyway!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

( None of you are going to see the movie, so I feel fine with spoiling the hell out of it. )

Previously, our hero had found himself at the mercy of the World Sumo Wrestling League and the infinite shenanigans that went along with a performance of the ages. The tale was magical, but lacked photographic evidence and support... until now.

( Now behold the picspamming power of Iron Mountain! )

Ok, I admit, I'm not a huge updater. I write here once in a while, just for shits and giggles. But some folks say they want to know more about what I'm doing, and that I should update and stuff, so here's my review of my life in the year 2006. That's right, all 24 days of it. Fear the summary. FEAR!

( On the First Day of January someone gave to me... A craptastic marshmallow peep! )

( Later that year, some other crazy stuff happened. )

( And then, some martial arts nonsense. )

Summer camp: Enjoyable nature-centered activity or brutal weekend of death? You decide.

( Cut because I'm just jabbering about crazy stuff that I did this weekend. )

Today I'm going to write a serious post, for once.

( Cut tagged for details about my life which will probably bore you to tears. You might be interested in one of my previous posts instead, where I was a meme tool or said something funny. Click here for boredom; click elsewhere for funny. )

Well, this has been quite the nice past three days...

( Friday: Boy does this smart... )

( Saturday: Weddings are fun! )

( Sunday: Oh yeah, I have parents... )

( Monday: Why am I at work? )

Well, just for the weekend. Wish me luck, and hope that I survive. Or at least that I take someone else down with me. I'll tell everyone a story on Monday.