Mutated Movie Madness!

[chaosvizier]

While this movie wasn't on my list of films to see, I went as a gesture of good will and... well, maybe not good will, more like malicious will. But that's beside the point. The review appears anyway!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles



Forget about all the background data regarding the movie. All you need to know is TMNT Comic book became TV cartoon became live-action movies became this animated film. They're turtles that have been mutated into anthropomorphized characters and trained in the arts of the ninja by a mutant ninja rat. Really, what more do you need to know? Oh yes, they're named after great Renaissance artists, just to add to the surrealistic nature of the setting. That's about it.

The background that involves me going to this film is another story entirely.

So, the karate school where I teach and work out decides that they'd have a Movie Day for the kids, and have all the younger students go out together to see TMNT. It's fair enough; movies like this are the reason martial arts schools stay in business. Kids want to be ninjas; it's a simple fact. Anyway, the chief instructor asks some of the adult instructors to help out and provide a bit of organization and chaperonage.

Now, it's no secret that I'm not the best with children. I don't really have much patience, and I expect them to obey without question or suffer the consequences. As a result, I don't teach too many kids classes. All this is known fact. All the other instructors know it. Most of the parents know it. Most of the kids probably know it too.

So imagine the surprise of any number of people when I go to the office and declare "I'd like to sign up and help out with the Movie Day."

The sound of four jaws hitting the floor was worth the $7 ticket right there on the spot, followed by "You? You want to go? You?"

This was made even better when I showed up at the movie and another instructor said "You mean they actually let you come to this? They're crazier than I thought..."

Anyway, let's finish up the story and get to the review.

The plot: Ninja turtles fight evil. You didn't expect Shakespearean drama now, did you?

The pros: Simple, wholesome fun for the kids. Graphically stylized ninja action provides a violence input level that's far less graphic than most PlayStation games nowadays, so parents can feel all good about themselves for that. The lessons about brotherhood and redemption and forgiveness are all great lessons that will pass over the heads of the kids because OMGTURTLES. The great voice acting by Mako and Patrick Stewart and Zhang Ziyi, and even Sarah Michelle Buffy, with bonus narration by Lawrence Fishburne, give the supporting characters a little extra oomph. Personally I liked the scene where Raphael and Leonardo fight for Alpha Maleness. Old-school TMNT fans might approve of the movie's somewhat darker, grittier feel, a testament to the original comics, although still toned down for the kiddies.

The cons: Well, we're not really going in this for exceptional writing or plot or anything like that. If you're watching this, it's because you (or, more likely, your offspring) want to see ninja turtles kick butt. Which they do. If you're older, like me and the person sitting next to me, you'll spend your 90 minutes making fun of Captain Picard and Mako.
"Excellent work, Number One. Now let us beam up into another dimension before the Klingon Turtles arrive. Make it so!"
"Between the days when the Mafia claimed Jersey and the rise of the towers of Wall Street there was an age undreamed of. And unto this, four turtles, destined to wield the power of the ninja, came to be. Let me tell you of days of High Adventure!"
Other cons of this film involve someone deciding that I looked like Master Splinter. In case you don't know, Master Splinter is a rat. A giant anthropomorphic rat.



That's him in the middle. The fuzzy, rat-like one. The one who does not look like me.



The news of my rodential appearance has been greatly exaggerated.

The verdict: For kids who like ninjas, this will slake their thirst. For adults who like ninjas, you should be watching a Jet Li movie, but this'll do if you're taking your ninja-loving kids out.

Disclaimer: Seriously, Patrick Stewart jokes will never get old in this movie.

Disclaimer: Mako, RIP. He rocks.

Comments

[miss-katelynne.livejournal.com]

Master Splinter has a beard and you have facial hair, ergo you look like Master Splinter. Welcome to the world of how kids think. Kids are weird.

At least, I hope it was a kid who made the comparison.

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

Granted, knowing the adults who went to see this, I wouldn't be surprised if they just told the kids I looked like that and the kids automatically accepted it as truth. Some of the adults are as evil-minded as I am. Heh.

[kokopellinelli]

A group of third-graders thought I was a vampire once. Of course, that was based on my last name and not the way I look. When I actually met them, they stopped being afraid I was the undead and started to worry that I would be boring. A bunch of third-graders thought I looked boring. Is that sad or what?

Also, I kinda want to see TMNT. I loved them when I was a kid, and was jealous when my brother got a TMNT birthday cake. Mine always had a stupid ballerina.

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

I did like the old TMNT weekday afternoon cartoons too. They were funny. The banter between Shredder and Crang was worth it right there.

I'm sure you don't look boring. Third graders don't know anything. Then again, they think I look terrifying, so maybe they're on to something. ;-)

[kokopellinelli]

Of course I look boring, and never more so than when I went to a sub job. Sensible sweater, hair in a plain ponytail, glasses...if only I'd thought to wear glittery skintight leather pants and a tube top. Though I suspect that would only have traumatized them.

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

Well, that would definitely not be boring. "Wow, Ms. Vampire dresses cool!"

[sskipstress.livejournal.com]

That Splinter looks more like a lion than a rat to me. And I think you should've posted one of your Mortal Kombat outfit pictures for comparison. Much more Ninja-y.

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

He does look a bit lion-ish from the front. From the side, once you can see that the schnoz is actually a long snout, he becomes more rodential. Still doesn't become more like me, though.

Ah, Mortal Kombat sumo challenge day. You will live in my memory in infamy forever.

[marasca.livejournal.com]

Who ever heard of an anthropomorphic mutated ninja lion living in city sewers? That's ridiculous! Everyone knows you can see lions only in Kenya, so Splinter must be a rat, however he looks.

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

Your logic is sound. So the question is, do regular lions live on the plains, and ninja lions live in the sewers? And if Splinter the mutant rat grew about 800% in size, then would a mutant ninja lion do the same? That's a fucking huge-ass ninja lion right there. Hot damn!

[fizrep.livejournal.com]

Holy Crap Ninjas! Tours

[barbarienne.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to tell you, dude, you TOTALLY LOOK LIKE MASTER SPLINTER.

Why is that a bad thing?

Anyway, maybe it's not so much in the face, but in the body language.

Also...Mako? Crazy wizard in Conan the Barbarian Mako? (well, obviously, since you cribbed his narration...) Awesome! I was going to say, "I thought he was dead?" and I see by the IMDB that yes, he is. I forget that in animated projects, the usual arrangement is to record the actors first and then animate.

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

Yeah, crazy old Conan wizard Mako. Or evil Aku Samurai Jack wizard Mako. Or currently feeding the worms Mako. That's the dude.

I'm certain that by the next time I go to class, there will be an army of wee ones calling me Sensei Splinter. I just know it. ;-)

[trishalynn.livejournal.com]

That would be totally awesome. Where are those Sumo Day pics again? Someone should make you an animated icon comparing you to Master Splinter.

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

That's a frightening thought... although I guess with the orange headband I was more like Michaelangelo. Except less turtle-like. Hmm, is it better to be compared to a turtle or a rat? Mysteries abound here...

[trishalynn.livejournal.com]

BTW, I don't know if I commented on this before, but the way you and Bloomie are clasping hands makes me think that either a) he just proposed to you and you said "Yes" or b) this is a picture of you two at a high school dance. Or maybe they held a dance at the U.N. and you and Bloomie are chaperones. Either way...

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

I'd dance with him, but he's not my type. Too old and fragile. Although maybe I'd consider marrying him for his phat cash. The guy is loaded, after all.

[barbarienne.livejournal.com]

OMG they totally do look like a prom couple! It's the big dopey thrilled grin on Hans's face. I must try to remember this moment so I can get miles out of the teasing I will heap upon him...

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

You're just jealous because I'm dating the rich guy and you're not. Nyah.

[moonchylde.livejournal.com]

hey now. *I* saw the movie. opening day, no less. and LOVED it. can't wait to see it again. :D

Other cons of this film involve someone deciding that I looked like Master Splinter.

...

*bites tongue*


*giggles*


*cough*

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

Clearly I need to grow out my goatee and whiskers a bit more. ;-)

Donatello was my first... action figure

[mcrunner03.livejournal.com]

Being 22 years of age, TMNT is my childhood. I thus saw it the opening week with my brother and cousin. Afterwards, we proceeded to name every figurine we could think of, and did fairly well since we owned all but 1 (damn you, Scratch). We only missed about 10 of them.

And hearing Patrick Stewart did in fact rock.

Re: Donatello was my first... action figure

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

The cartoon was a fun goofy romp. Never very serious, goofy tongue-in-cheek humor- it was perfect for weekday afternoons. Being a bit older than you, I was more part of the G.I. Joe/Transformer generation.

But you just can't go wrong with Patrick Stewart.