Crappy Day, Funny Tale

[chaosvizier]

Today was a craptacular day, but I'm not going to bore you all with that stuff. I'll just focus on the one crappy event that was actually kind of funny, and should demonstrate why I am not to be allowed into kitchens, ever.

I'm packing and cleaning and what not, because that's what happens before you move. Usually. I've managed to eat almost everything in my fridge and cupboards, so I can leave here with no leftovers. All that's left are a bunch of Ramen noodles and several cans of Spaghettios. Yes, Spaghettios. Yummy little pasta circles... mmmm. So I decide that some of those cans should make a fine lunch for the day. Yes indeedy.

I will always maintain that the kitchen is not a room that I am skilled in using. In fact, beyond silverware and the microwave oven, I am more or less completely handicapped upon entering a kitchen. Professor Steven Hawking would be like Julia Child compared to me. But that's beside the point. I open the tins and pour them into a pot, which I then put on an oven burner. Turn on oven burner. Stir precious little pasta O's around a bit. Get distracted by something for a moment. Look away to fix whatever it was that commanded my attention. Look back at pot of O's, which is now ON FIRE.

Someone tell me: does this shit only happen to me? Or am I so impressively incompetent that even the simple task of cooking instant pasta O's is beyond my nanoscopic skills?

In any event, I manage to extinguish the fire and then, after cursing my name, my lineage, Betty Crocker, Chef Boyardee, and my entire kitchen extensively, I sit and consume burnt Spaghettios, which now have a distinctly strong barbecue (read: carbonized) flava.

Note to deinemuse and ghostwriterxx: Don't let me near the kitchen. Ever. Seriously. Heh.

Comments

[sharmel.livejournal.com]

In the last 2 days, I've made 2 stirfrys and a brownie. None of which were on fire. You made flambe'd pasta. my. god. you. arent. allowed. in my kitchen. unless its with alcohol:)

[sharmel.livejournal.com]

:::edit:::; and if it's with alcohol, there shall be no flame!
No fire/alcohol mix. just no.

Oh ho!

[fizrep.livejournal.com]

But you haven't had one of his Flaming Dr Peppers! Those are the best!

Re: Oh ho!

[sharmel.livejournal.com]

Flaming Dr. Peppers? I am inclined to inquire....
How does one make one? I ask...
or shall I just tell him to make me one, and trust him with fire in the kitchen?
(well, maybe since I am trusting him, I should make a few...have a couple before to take the fear off.)

Re: Oh ho!

[marasca.livejournal.com]

Flaming Dr. Peppers are helluva tuff, and tastey! Don't drink more than one though. And here's a little secret: There's no Dr. Pepper in a Flaming Dr. Pepper. Aren't you even more curious now?

Chaosvizier does pretty well with fire and alcohol, but keep him away from the other kitchen appliances.

Re: Oh ho!

[sharmel.livejournal.com]

I shall hide my toaster now.

Re: Oh ho!

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

Flaming Doctor Peppers are all good. One of the best alcoholic concoctions ever. And yes, they involve fire, but technically, I don't have to make them in the kitchen, so it's okay!

Flaming Dr. Peppers all around! Let's all get schnockered!

Re: Oh ho!

[sharmel.livejournal.com]

Hell yea! Lets get, what was that word???schnockered? Um, too many letters for my drunken mind...and I still don't know how to make em!

[angledge.livejournal.com]

Thunder & Lightnings are also good, also involve fire.

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

They are. I leave those to Larry's formidable skillz.

[sharmel.livejournal.com]

what's in them?
I'm seeing I've had a sheltered drinking life!

[deinemuse.livejournal.com]

Good idea... no kitchen to you. I think you should stick to micronuking food. No firey flames to burn your tasty O's. Notice how I don't throw a fit over the O's.... those are low fat! Damn you and your Twix!!!!! I hate those things!!!! They need to go... Eat them all!

[djdysfunction.livejournal.com]

Yeah, but they're probably high carb. They must be bad for you somehow. I can't see those things being even remotely healty.

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

Do not mock the O's! Like the one ring, they are precious! And there's lots of them, so I don't mind sharing with my buddy Sauron.

OH MY GAWD!!!

[notevenu.livejournal.com]

Yeah, stay away from ALL kitchens. We may have to put an electronic device on you that prevents you from entering 'Hot' zones.

Glad you're okay though... kitchen fires are scary.

Re: OH MY GAWD!!!

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

Fire bad! Fortunately it hadn't gotten too far out of control, so a quick cover-up with the pot lid took care of it right away. But still.

Thanks for your concern. You da sweetest! ;)

Thanks Hans

[djdysfunction.livejournal.com]

You've made me feel just a tiny bit better about my pathetic degree of culinary expertise.

[culturecouture.livejournal.com]

I cant cook either. We should get a recipe and try to make it one night. Then we can ruin it, get frustrated, throw things, punch the wall, drop everything and run out for some chilis. That way we'll leave all of our messy bowls/plates/silverware for your roomates to clean. Or better yet, we'll keep setting off the fire alarm so your roomates will GIVE us money to leave and get some chilis.

Am I not the smartest person you know?

;)

[ghostwriterxx.livejournal.com]

ummm...no...because you and hans will do your culinary experiments at YOUR house :P

[culturecouture.livejournal.com]

Don't you want a house fire for your birthday?

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

You are a damn super-genius. Let's make sure we try to make something that uses EVERY cooking utensil in the house. Might as well aim high.

[culturecouture.livejournal.com]

I bet you laughed like Mr. Burns when you typed that second sentence ;)

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

You know me too well, young lady.

I tho ught ahead already...

[ghostwriterxx.livejournal.com]

Having been previously warned about Hans' culinary handicap...I decided that setting the kitchen as an off limits zone is the way to go. I went out and purchased those invisible fences for dogs...and tweaked it out a little so that it would only bother hans. I had it placed in strategic zones in the kitchen (you know...so he can still fetch us wine and beverages)...however...all cooking utilities are off limits.

Yes anna and I have been very busy Hans-proofing the house :P

Re: I thought ahead already...

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

Hey, as long as I can still get to the bathroom okay, I'll be fine...