chaosvizier

Although the workweek is not yet over, I'll spend this entry telling stories about yesterday because, well, yesterday was eventful.

Okay, they're really just boring work stories. Go visit one of my earlier journal entries, maybe the one where I contemplated the value of pie.

The morning started with speeches. The speaker from Brazil always goes first, and the speaker from the United States always goes second. Whenever a speaker goes up, there are usually a number of guests of that delegation who sit to the side and watch the speech. Then those persons are cleared out so that the guests of the next speaker can sit. It's a hard and thankless task. That's what I was doing.

I arrive as the Brazilian and American coordinators are pretty much ready to tear each other's throats out. Not an auspicious start to the morning. Nonetheless, I smooth things over, make concessions for both sides, and everyone is more or less satisfied. I have played the good diplomat.

Then Croatia invades and takes a seat in Brazil's reserved section. Brazil's coordinator very nearly spontaneously combusts. This is not a problem; I move in and invite Croatia to move out until their speaker addresses the Assembly, as is correct. Brazil perches on my shoulder and starts cackling "Caw caw, our section, our territory, caw caw!" I ignore this outburst and continue my explanation, but Brazil-Vulture cackles again.

On this day, the country of Brazil became my mortal foe. I'm pretty patient in most cases, but it's been a long week, very stressful, and antagonizing me while I'm trying to help is just not the way to get on my good side. In a stunning display of non-diplomatic rudeness I tell Brazil-Vulture "Do not speak over me, and do not tell me how to do my job. Now stand back and remain silent, and I will take care of this for you." The vulture opened its beak again, but, even ruder, I put up my hand and said "No. Do not speak. Let me finish." Vulture backed down, Croatia retreated, and I managed not to break anyone's neck.

I suspect I'm going to get a talking-to on this one.

This glorious day did eventually lead to some higher points, not the least of which was the state luncheon for visiting presidents and prime ministers and what not. This means good food and drink. Which we ate and drank. As a bonus, the catering company that was providing this luncheon was on the hot seat, so they were doing everything in their power to satisfy us and make things work right. Which naturally resulted in us getting extra food. So, 3 appetizers, 2 entrees and 2 desserts later, as well as 4 glasses of wine and 2 coffees, I rolled my fat ass off to the Assembly hall to stand idly by for more speeches.

We get invited to receptions on occasion. The various governments and embassies have these get-togethers to mingle and schmooze with other dignitaries. The mingling and schmoozing is generally uninteresting, but the free food and drink is not. Some countries are known for hosting extremely well-organized parties, Germany and Saudi Arabia being among the top two. Some of these parties are hosted in fancy hotels or residences in the area. Also cool.

I had heard rumors of the impressive nature of the White House receptions, but I had not ever been invited. Until yesterday.

So we (five of us plus two husbands) pile into the Protocol minivan (yeah, we have our own official car) and drive off to the Museum of Natural History, where the reception is being hosted. As a side note, this is my favorite museum in the city, bar none. It would have been helluva cool to have this reception in the Dinosaur room... but I digress.

We pass through four police barricades before we even get to the museum. Suspicious types. Then another security check at the museum entrance. Then a metal detector, which I set off, of course. Then a name and id check. Then an escort into the heart of the museum, past the new planetarium (which is really nice, btw), through the Native American exhibit, hand off to another escort, through another blank space, and finally to the reception itself, being held in the Marine Biology room. That took some time.

This room rules because it has a scale model of a blue whale hanging overhead. Just FYI.

So we grab drinks and a table and relax. Nice atmosphere, live Army band, cool. Another fine reception. Until we start noticing that there are presidents just wandering around chatting. Very few UN personnel besides us and a handful of others. Funky. VIP-licious. But whatever, we're kinda hungry, despite having massive amounts of food at the luncheon earlier, so we hit up the dinner line. Mmmm, tasty.

We sit down and eat. And then, a minute later, Bill says, "Hey, isn't that President Karzai standing there?" Yes, indeed, the President of Afghanistan, just standing alone and eating. "I'll go invite him to our table." And he does. So now we're sitting around chatting with the President of Afghanistan, and he's telling us about some of the reconstruction issues and other stuff, and then we get to talking about his five brothers and one sister, and sports, and the big whale hanging overhead, and whaddya know, he's just this cool guy. Funny.

So I finish three and a half plates, two wine glasses and two gin and tonics and go off to circulate. Meet some more diplomats from the American embassy, including the young lady who was waging war against Brazil earlier, and spent some time chatting up this attractive girl with them because, well, it was fun to do. She was nice and all, but from the US State dept in Washington, so it's not like I was going to see her or anything. Heh. You're wondering why I bother mentioning this at all; we'll get to that in a bit.

Colin Powell starts to circulate among the crowd, so sure, I'll go up and introduce myself. Alcohol has loosened my inhibitions, after all. But he was cool, thanked us for our efforts during the Assembly and the luncheon, and then moved out to join the Prez, who comes down, gives a quick speech, and goes back to meeting dignitaries or something. I go back to eating and drinking.

So, after bumping into the president of Congo, literally, I rejoin some of the American team as they recovered from their big event. The ambassador's secretary points out a few people, and then says "And did you meet Colin Powell's daughter?"

Yes I did, three paragraphs ago.

My brain manages to snap itself out of 3 gin and tonics and 4 glasses of wine and lets me know, "You fucking dog, you're macking on Colin Powell's daughter, you are sooooo gonna get shot by Secret Service guys any second now, sucka." Somehow, I managed to avoid the barrage of sniper sights that were probably settling on the back of my neck and gracefully sidestepped my way toward the bar. Another gin and tonic was in my very immediate future.

Eventually, we decide to leave. We're all a bit loaded on drinks, and now there is no one to escort us, no line of security showing the path, nothing. I lead us out of the museum somehow (yes, even drunk, I know this museum pretty well; I'm such a geek), we get a cab, and we all return home. So very sleepy.

And that was my day. Today I'm sleepy and hungry. Again.