Monstrous Movie Mania!
Apr. 30th, 2018 10:33 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
It has been a long time since I've written a movie review here. But today I break my silence, because I saw Avengers: Infinity War yesterday and it was possibly one of the most impressive movies I've ever experienced. I did not say "best movie" or "greatest movie" or anything like that. No. It is impressive.
This review is going to be full of every possible spoiler imaginable, so really, if you haven't seen it, don't even think of reading more unless you don't care. Really. All the spoiling. So much of it.
Avengers: Infinity War
First off, let's state the obvious: I don't think there has ever been a movie like this. This is the top of a pyramid that contains over a dozen other movies in many branches, all leading to one single moment. This is not a series or a sequel. This is not like the James Bond franchise, 20+ movies strong, but all contained within a linear sequence, not always interlinked (with a few recurring characters like Blofeld or Jaws). The two closest examples I can use (and 'close' is a BARELY accurate term) would be the combination of the Alien and Predator franchises to yield Aliens vs Predator (two series merging into one) or Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street merging to yield Freddy vs Jason (again, two series merging into one). Now imagine those two examples, multiplied TEN FOLD. Infinity War is the culmination of the following series: Iron Man, Thor, Hulk, Guardians of the Galaxy, Dr. Strange, Captain America, and Black Panther. Some of those series have sequels themselves. Some (Iron Man, Hulk, Captain America, Thor) have combined into a smaller super-movie (The Avengers), which then assimilated the remaining samples to create Infinity War. Cinematically, this is utterly unheard of. There is no example that even comes close to matching this feat, one which has taken a full decade to execute.
Second, in order to even think of understanding Infinity War, you need to watch a good number of those lead-up movies for context. Ideally you would have seen all 29475 hours of Marvel Cinematic Universe movies and you would know everything necessary to start watching this film. However, maybe you're a youngster, coming in new and fresh to the world of comics, and you need to get yourself geared up fast. Here's what you need, in my opinion:
Mandatory: Captain America 2-3, Avengers 2, Black Panther, Thor 3, Dr. Strange, Guardians of the Galaxy 1
Strongly recommended: Avengers 1, Guardians 2, Spider Man, Iron Man 1, Captain America 1, Thor 1
Other: Iron Man 2-3, Hulk, Thor 2, Ant Man
Third, if you are familiar with everything and everyone, then you need to know that Marvel will pull no punches. If they want to kill a person, they will. If they want to kill ten persons, they will. Infinity War is the honey badger of the MCU: it does not give a fuck. It will be 973 years before Marvel runs out of money that they made off of the MCU. Infinity War made a quarter of a BILLION dollars in 48 hours. Rest assured: THEY DO NOT CARE. Do you have a favorite character? FUCK THEM. Do you have ten favorite characters? FUCK TEN OF THEM. You will pay the price for your emotional investment.
So, with that cheerful news out of the way, let's see how things go.
WHEN WE LAST LEFT OUR HEROES...
1) Asgard was destroyed, and the Asgardian refugee ship was about to be confronted by something dark and sinister because Loki has one of the magic stones (Thor 3)
2) The Avengers had broken apart due to a Civil War, and were not all on speaking terms (Cap 3)
3) A large purple Josh Brolin wants to collect 6 magic rocks (all)
4) We have seen almost all of said magic rocks (in Captain America 1, Thor 2, Guardians 1, Dr. Strange, and Avengers 2)
5) Black Panther is cool and Spider Man is a dork (Black Panther, Spider Man)
So, with that knowledge, Infinity War begins and within five minutes Loki and Heimdall are killed brutally.
Wait, what? Did I say Loki? I meant... no wait, I meant exactly that. Loki, God of Mischief, arch-villain in Thor 1 and Avengers 1 and recurring character and fan favorite, is killed. One may argue that he has many tricks up his sleeve, and perhaps he is powerful enough to trick Thanos himself (who already has one of the magic rocks, taken from Xandar after the Guardians of the Galaxy 2), but perhaps here he is out of tricks and options.
Thanos murders him in front of Thor. Thor is, in response, sad. Also, Thanos beats the living piss out of the Hulk, which is a fairly new experience for our large green friend. Hulk escapes, but the Asgardian ship is destroyed with all hands on deck (Thor included). Thanos now has 2/6 stones.
Thanos dispatches his most trusted Lieutenants to Earth to steal the two stones located there. Goddammit Earth, the universe is literally the size of the entire universe and there are two of these universe-power-level magic stones on the same planet that doesn't even know how to build a spaceship (see Dr. Strange and Avengers 2)? Fucking Earth, man.
Hulk drops in on Dr. Strange. Strange and Iron Man have a meeting. They are attacked by two aforementioned Lieutenants. Strange is captured because he controls one Infinity Stone. Iron Man and Spider Man follow him into space because they are insane. Hulk cannot Hulk. He calls Captain America.
Vision and Scarlet Witch are having a romantic rendezvous. They are attacked by two Lieutenants as well. It should be noted that Vision has one stone installed directly in his forehead. You know he's not long for this world. Thanks to a timely intervention by Captain America, Falcon, and Black Widow, the Lieutenants are defeated and Vision is saved.
The Guardians of the Galaxy respond to a ship's distress call. They discover the shattered remnants of Asgard and the body of Thor. Thor is not dead. Thor tells them about Thanos. Gamora, daughter of Thanos, is rightly disturbed. The Guardians split up - Thor, Rocket, and Groot go to visit the Space Dwarves to forge a weapon to kill Thanos. Star Lord, Gamora, Drax, and Mantis go to Knowhere because they know an Infinity Stone is there (see Thor 2).
Captain America and co. go to Wakanda for guidance and support. They get it, along with a reunion with The Winter Soldier (see Captain America 3 or Black Panther). They come up with a plan: destroy the stone in Vision's head. As long as Thanos can't get all six stones, we're doing great!
Iron Man and Spider Man are in space. Thanks to Spider Man's love of movie pop culture, they kill Thanos's Lieutenant and rescue Dr. Strange. They also try to fly a spaceship. They fail spectacularly.
Gamora knows a secret and she needs to die. She tells Star Lord to kill her if things go south. You just know that he is going to fuck this up. They get to Knowhere. Things go south. He fucks it up. Goddammit Star Lord, you suck. Thanos escapes with Gamora. Thanos now has 3/6 stones.
Thor visits the Space Dwarves, who have forged such wondrous weapons as Mjolnir, Excalibur, the Sword of Omens, and the Wave Motion Gun. Ok, I'm lying about the last three. Anyway, the Space Dwarves are fucked because they made the Infinity Gauntlet for Thanos and in exchange he killed all but one of them. The Space Dwarves are, in fact, giants compared to Thor and company. The last Space Dwarf is played by Peter Dinklage in, arguably, his largest role ever. This is amazing comedy and Marvel deserves extra credit for this. Thor now has to restart the Space Forge so the last Space Dwarf can make him a Super Space Weapon that can kill Space Thanos. Also, Thor speaks Groot, as it was an elective on Asgard. I can't make that up.
Thanos shows Gamora her sister Nebula, who is being tortured. To spare her, Gamora tells Thanos where the Soul Stone is. They go visit the keeper of the Soul Stone... The Red Skull (Captain America 1). Thanos sacrifices Gamora in order to acquire the stone. Gamora is dead. Very much so. Meanwhile Nebula escapes and sends a message to Mantis to meet her somewhere. Thanos now has 4/6 stones.
Iron Man, Spider Man, and Dr. Strange crash-land on Titan, Thanos's home planet. It is a barren desolate wasteland, so no one notices their arrival. Star Lord, Drax, and Mantis arrive (thanks to Nebula's directions) and have a fight with them until they all realize they're on the same side. They come up with a plan to fight Thanos.
Thanos's three remaining Lieutenants attack Wakanda with an army of angry Space Dogs. Meanwhile Shuri and Scarlet Witch are getting ready to destroy the stone in Vision's skull.
Thanos visits Titan and has a nice heart-to-heart with Iron Man and Dr. Strange. Thanos believes that the universe needs a giant cull in order to restore balance, and he wants to eradicate 50% of all sentient life in the universe. Randomly. Fairly. Rich, poor, strong, weak, 50% of all beings. And then, after that, he said he will rest and enjoy the paradise that he has created. That sounds nice. Our heroes disagree. Then the fighting begins. Thanos takes a pretty solid beating and then Star Lord fucks things up again. Goddammit Star Lord, that's twice in the same movie, you are literally the Least Valuable Player in this ensemble. Thanos wins the fight, stabs Iron Man through the heart, and Dr. Strange give Thanos the stone in exchange for their survival. Thanos now has 5/6 stones.
The Battle for Wakanda is not pretty... until Thor teleports in with his buddies Rocket and Groot. Banner, who is not Hulking out, kills one Lieutenant. Black Widow and General Okoye kill another. The last one infiltrates the room where Vision is being deconstructed and tries to take the stone. He almost succeeds but then gets a hearty dose of stabnation and also dies. But then...
THANOS ARRIVES.
Captain America leads the charge, but it is futile. He knows he has to hold him off long enough for Scarlet Witch to destroy the last stone. She does, killing Vision... but Thanos has the Time Stone, and he reverses time to before the stone breaks, and takes it, killing Vision again. Sorry Vision. He now has 6/6 stones.
Thor comes in like the cavalry and his magic Space Axe chops right into Thanos's chest... but too late, Thanos closes his fist, invokes the power of the six stones, and teleports away.
One by one, people die. They dissolve into dust, leaving no trace of their existence. Half of all people. The Black Panther dissolves in front of his General's eyes. The Winter Soldier fades away next to his old friend Captain America. Groot dies once more in front of Rocket. Falcon disappears without anyone seeing.
Far away, Mantis feels a great disturbance in the Force, before she too dissolves into dust. Star Lord and Drax follow moments later. And in a scene designed to pull at every emotional heartstring ever, Spider Man, a young kid who just wanted to do some good, cries because he doesn't want to go, and he hugs Iron Man and weeps as he dissolves into nothing. Dr. Strange says it was the only way, just before he too vanishes into eternity.
Farther away, Thanos sits in a field near a lake. He looks content.
Less far away, Nick Fury dissolves halfway through a final "motherfucker" while dialing... someone who might be Captain Marvel.
The verdict: It is highly likely that in Infinity War 2: Infinity Boogaloo, everyone who turned to dust in the final scene will be restored for a climactic mega-battle... but that's no guarantee that they will survive that. But a few things we can probably agree on...
1) Loki, Heimdall, the rest of Asgard, Vision, and Gamora are dead. Well and truly dead.
2) The remainder of our heroes (Captain America, Iron Man, Scarlet Witch, Black Widow, Nebula, Hulk, and Rocket) and a cadre of other heroes (Ant Man? Wasp? Hawkeye? M'Baku? Okoye? SHIELD? Captain Marvel?) will have to band together and find a way to undo the power of the Infinity Gauntlet.
3) Not all of them will survive.
4) You're going to need a happy feel-good movie to be the chaser to this one, boy howdy.
Don't worry, there are plenty of funny moments sprinkled throughout this movie, designed to lighten the mood because without them you'd need a bottle of antidepressants to even get out of your chair.
Anyway, tune in next year when hopefully everything gets unfucked? Maybe?
This review is going to be full of every possible spoiler imaginable, so really, if you haven't seen it, don't even think of reading more unless you don't care. Really. All the spoiling. So much of it.
Avengers: Infinity War
First off, let's state the obvious: I don't think there has ever been a movie like this. This is the top of a pyramid that contains over a dozen other movies in many branches, all leading to one single moment. This is not a series or a sequel. This is not like the James Bond franchise, 20+ movies strong, but all contained within a linear sequence, not always interlinked (with a few recurring characters like Blofeld or Jaws). The two closest examples I can use (and 'close' is a BARELY accurate term) would be the combination of the Alien and Predator franchises to yield Aliens vs Predator (two series merging into one) or Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street merging to yield Freddy vs Jason (again, two series merging into one). Now imagine those two examples, multiplied TEN FOLD. Infinity War is the culmination of the following series: Iron Man, Thor, Hulk, Guardians of the Galaxy, Dr. Strange, Captain America, and Black Panther. Some of those series have sequels themselves. Some (Iron Man, Hulk, Captain America, Thor) have combined into a smaller super-movie (The Avengers), which then assimilated the remaining samples to create Infinity War. Cinematically, this is utterly unheard of. There is no example that even comes close to matching this feat, one which has taken a full decade to execute.
Second, in order to even think of understanding Infinity War, you need to watch a good number of those lead-up movies for context. Ideally you would have seen all 29475 hours of Marvel Cinematic Universe movies and you would know everything necessary to start watching this film. However, maybe you're a youngster, coming in new and fresh to the world of comics, and you need to get yourself geared up fast. Here's what you need, in my opinion:
Mandatory: Captain America 2-3, Avengers 2, Black Panther, Thor 3, Dr. Strange, Guardians of the Galaxy 1
Strongly recommended: Avengers 1, Guardians 2, Spider Man, Iron Man 1, Captain America 1, Thor 1
Other: Iron Man 2-3, Hulk, Thor 2, Ant Man
Third, if you are familiar with everything and everyone, then you need to know that Marvel will pull no punches. If they want to kill a person, they will. If they want to kill ten persons, they will. Infinity War is the honey badger of the MCU: it does not give a fuck. It will be 973 years before Marvel runs out of money that they made off of the MCU. Infinity War made a quarter of a BILLION dollars in 48 hours. Rest assured: THEY DO NOT CARE. Do you have a favorite character? FUCK THEM. Do you have ten favorite characters? FUCK TEN OF THEM. You will pay the price for your emotional investment.
So, with that cheerful news out of the way, let's see how things go.
WHEN WE LAST LEFT OUR HEROES...
1) Asgard was destroyed, and the Asgardian refugee ship was about to be confronted by something dark and sinister because Loki has one of the magic stones (Thor 3)
2) The Avengers had broken apart due to a Civil War, and were not all on speaking terms (Cap 3)
3) A large purple Josh Brolin wants to collect 6 magic rocks (all)
4) We have seen almost all of said magic rocks (in Captain America 1, Thor 2, Guardians 1, Dr. Strange, and Avengers 2)
5) Black Panther is cool and Spider Man is a dork (Black Panther, Spider Man)
So, with that knowledge, Infinity War begins and within five minutes Loki and Heimdall are killed brutally.
Wait, what? Did I say Loki? I meant... no wait, I meant exactly that. Loki, God of Mischief, arch-villain in Thor 1 and Avengers 1 and recurring character and fan favorite, is killed. One may argue that he has many tricks up his sleeve, and perhaps he is powerful enough to trick Thanos himself (who already has one of the magic rocks, taken from Xandar after the Guardians of the Galaxy 2), but perhaps here he is out of tricks and options.
Thanos murders him in front of Thor. Thor is, in response, sad. Also, Thanos beats the living piss out of the Hulk, which is a fairly new experience for our large green friend. Hulk escapes, but the Asgardian ship is destroyed with all hands on deck (Thor included). Thanos now has 2/6 stones.
Thanos dispatches his most trusted Lieutenants to Earth to steal the two stones located there. Goddammit Earth, the universe is literally the size of the entire universe and there are two of these universe-power-level magic stones on the same planet that doesn't even know how to build a spaceship (see Dr. Strange and Avengers 2)? Fucking Earth, man.
Hulk drops in on Dr. Strange. Strange and Iron Man have a meeting. They are attacked by two aforementioned Lieutenants. Strange is captured because he controls one Infinity Stone. Iron Man and Spider Man follow him into space because they are insane. Hulk cannot Hulk. He calls Captain America.
Vision and Scarlet Witch are having a romantic rendezvous. They are attacked by two Lieutenants as well. It should be noted that Vision has one stone installed directly in his forehead. You know he's not long for this world. Thanks to a timely intervention by Captain America, Falcon, and Black Widow, the Lieutenants are defeated and Vision is saved.
The Guardians of the Galaxy respond to a ship's distress call. They discover the shattered remnants of Asgard and the body of Thor. Thor is not dead. Thor tells them about Thanos. Gamora, daughter of Thanos, is rightly disturbed. The Guardians split up - Thor, Rocket, and Groot go to visit the Space Dwarves to forge a weapon to kill Thanos. Star Lord, Gamora, Drax, and Mantis go to Knowhere because they know an Infinity Stone is there (see Thor 2).
Captain America and co. go to Wakanda for guidance and support. They get it, along with a reunion with The Winter Soldier (see Captain America 3 or Black Panther). They come up with a plan: destroy the stone in Vision's head. As long as Thanos can't get all six stones, we're doing great!
Iron Man and Spider Man are in space. Thanks to Spider Man's love of movie pop culture, they kill Thanos's Lieutenant and rescue Dr. Strange. They also try to fly a spaceship. They fail spectacularly.
Gamora knows a secret and she needs to die. She tells Star Lord to kill her if things go south. You just know that he is going to fuck this up. They get to Knowhere. Things go south. He fucks it up. Goddammit Star Lord, you suck. Thanos escapes with Gamora. Thanos now has 3/6 stones.
Thor visits the Space Dwarves, who have forged such wondrous weapons as Mjolnir, Excalibur, the Sword of Omens, and the Wave Motion Gun. Ok, I'm lying about the last three. Anyway, the Space Dwarves are fucked because they made the Infinity Gauntlet for Thanos and in exchange he killed all but one of them. The Space Dwarves are, in fact, giants compared to Thor and company. The last Space Dwarf is played by Peter Dinklage in, arguably, his largest role ever. This is amazing comedy and Marvel deserves extra credit for this. Thor now has to restart the Space Forge so the last Space Dwarf can make him a Super Space Weapon that can kill Space Thanos. Also, Thor speaks Groot, as it was an elective on Asgard. I can't make that up.
Thanos shows Gamora her sister Nebula, who is being tortured. To spare her, Gamora tells Thanos where the Soul Stone is. They go visit the keeper of the Soul Stone... The Red Skull (Captain America 1). Thanos sacrifices Gamora in order to acquire the stone. Gamora is dead. Very much so. Meanwhile Nebula escapes and sends a message to Mantis to meet her somewhere. Thanos now has 4/6 stones.
Iron Man, Spider Man, and Dr. Strange crash-land on Titan, Thanos's home planet. It is a barren desolate wasteland, so no one notices their arrival. Star Lord, Drax, and Mantis arrive (thanks to Nebula's directions) and have a fight with them until they all realize they're on the same side. They come up with a plan to fight Thanos.
Thanos's three remaining Lieutenants attack Wakanda with an army of angry Space Dogs. Meanwhile Shuri and Scarlet Witch are getting ready to destroy the stone in Vision's skull.
Thanos visits Titan and has a nice heart-to-heart with Iron Man and Dr. Strange. Thanos believes that the universe needs a giant cull in order to restore balance, and he wants to eradicate 50% of all sentient life in the universe. Randomly. Fairly. Rich, poor, strong, weak, 50% of all beings. And then, after that, he said he will rest and enjoy the paradise that he has created. That sounds nice. Our heroes disagree. Then the fighting begins. Thanos takes a pretty solid beating and then Star Lord fucks things up again. Goddammit Star Lord, that's twice in the same movie, you are literally the Least Valuable Player in this ensemble. Thanos wins the fight, stabs Iron Man through the heart, and Dr. Strange give Thanos the stone in exchange for their survival. Thanos now has 5/6 stones.
The Battle for Wakanda is not pretty... until Thor teleports in with his buddies Rocket and Groot. Banner, who is not Hulking out, kills one Lieutenant. Black Widow and General Okoye kill another. The last one infiltrates the room where Vision is being deconstructed and tries to take the stone. He almost succeeds but then gets a hearty dose of stabnation and also dies. But then...
THANOS ARRIVES.
Captain America leads the charge, but it is futile. He knows he has to hold him off long enough for Scarlet Witch to destroy the last stone. She does, killing Vision... but Thanos has the Time Stone, and he reverses time to before the stone breaks, and takes it, killing Vision again. Sorry Vision. He now has 6/6 stones.
Thor comes in like the cavalry and his magic Space Axe chops right into Thanos's chest... but too late, Thanos closes his fist, invokes the power of the six stones, and teleports away.
One by one, people die. They dissolve into dust, leaving no trace of their existence. Half of all people. The Black Panther dissolves in front of his General's eyes. The Winter Soldier fades away next to his old friend Captain America. Groot dies once more in front of Rocket. Falcon disappears without anyone seeing.
Far away, Mantis feels a great disturbance in the Force, before she too dissolves into dust. Star Lord and Drax follow moments later. And in a scene designed to pull at every emotional heartstring ever, Spider Man, a young kid who just wanted to do some good, cries because he doesn't want to go, and he hugs Iron Man and weeps as he dissolves into nothing. Dr. Strange says it was the only way, just before he too vanishes into eternity.
Farther away, Thanos sits in a field near a lake. He looks content.
Less far away, Nick Fury dissolves halfway through a final "motherfucker" while dialing... someone who might be Captain Marvel.
The verdict: It is highly likely that in Infinity War 2: Infinity Boogaloo, everyone who turned to dust in the final scene will be restored for a climactic mega-battle... but that's no guarantee that they will survive that. But a few things we can probably agree on...
1) Loki, Heimdall, the rest of Asgard, Vision, and Gamora are dead. Well and truly dead.
2) The remainder of our heroes (Captain America, Iron Man, Scarlet Witch, Black Widow, Nebula, Hulk, and Rocket) and a cadre of other heroes (Ant Man? Wasp? Hawkeye? M'Baku? Okoye? SHIELD? Captain Marvel?) will have to band together and find a way to undo the power of the Infinity Gauntlet.
3) Not all of them will survive.
4) You're going to need a happy feel-good movie to be the chaser to this one, boy howdy.
Don't worry, there are plenty of funny moments sprinkled throughout this movie, designed to lighten the mood because without them you'd need a bottle of antidepressants to even get out of your chair.
Anyway, tune in next year when hopefully everything gets unfucked? Maybe?