Monkey Metal Movies!
Jul. 28th, 2014 04:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
chaosvizierI've been behind on all of this summer's big blockbusters. These things happen. But it's time to sit down and catch up and figure out what's good and what's bad. Ok, everything's bad. Let's just carry on with two movies and see what happens.
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes
Previously, in our series, Mark Wahlberg travelled through time and space to... no wait, that's the other Planet of the Apes reboot that went nowhere, despite having a big roster of star power attached to it. Much like Mathew Broderick in "Godzilla", we'll just pretend this didn't happen and move forward.
Less previously, in this series, James Franco accidentally doomed the human race by trying to find a cure for Alzheimer's Disease. He also accidentally created a hyper-intelligent chimpanzee named Caesar. I suppose his first mistake was naming the ape Caesar. None of this would have happened with an ape named Lincoln or Gandhi. But I digress. The point is, thanks to complications, a plague broke loose and killed most of the population of Earth. Caesar used the science that created him to enhance other apes, and they went free to live in the forests of Northern California, away from humanity. They also learned to speak.
Fast forward ten years later. A handful of humans survive and eke out a living in the ruins of San Francisco. Not far away, Caesar and co. have created a primitive city in the hills and trees, and live there in peace. Naturally this means that everything is going to go to hell and everyone will die. Also, just in case you weren't sure that was what would happen, Gary Oldman is leading the humans. That's never a good sign.
The plot: In the battle between man and ape, you should have guns. Lots of guns. Also, an ape charges into battle on a horse wielding two machine guns. Fair is fair; that's pretty damn badass.
The pros: Ape society is the focus of a good quarter of the film - how Caesar led his ape brothers, and created a city, and how he instilled laws and education and family values to the apes. In the end, when everything falls apart, Caesar acknowledges that his apes behaved just like humans. Gary Oldman is the military leader of the surviving humans, doing what he can to keep his own people safe. The story is simple, as the peaceful human scientists try to work with the ape culture to achieve harmony, and then suspicions on both sides lead to chaos and destruction, as usually happens in these movies. The graphics used to render all the apes is impressive and seamless, and works well within the backdrops. Andy Serkis is, once again, an ape (he was King Kong once too), and he plays his motion-capture part well.
The cons: It's a long movie, and you know what's going to happen well before it happens. The humans have done a suspiciously good job at surviving for so long; they were lucky to keep basic services up and running, I guess. Some of the movie posters show the Golden Gate Bridge being blown up; chalk that up to "Did Not Happen In Film".
The verdict: The ape scenes are really well done. It's worth it just to watch the shots of ape society.
Note: Let's see, ape with vicious scars, number one to the ape leader... yeah, I'm sure he's not going to turn evil or anything.
Note: Maurice is still the best ape. You can't not love Maurice.
Transformers: Age of Extinction
Do the Transformers films get worse as they go on? That's a silly question. Of course they do. It's Michael Bay, with special guest star Explosions, who also is filling in for the writing. Is this the worst of the lot? Possibly. I think this movie had one purpose and one purpose only, but I'll get to that shortly.
What do we have? We have the CIA in league with a robot bounty hunter named Lockdown who wants to capture Optimus Prime. We have a tech magnate Steve Jobs wanna-be who wants to build his own Transformers using their raw materials, which the CIA gladly provides (hint: Transformers can transform because they're made of Transformium. Oh yeah. Roll that around your brain for a bit there). So Lockdown hunts down and kills any Transformers he can find, steals their souls, and gives their bodies over to science. That's bad. Science doesn't care, because fuck it, it's science! The CIA just wants to kill them all and be done with it.
Who comes to the rescue? Marky Mark discovers Optimus Prime and jumpstarts him. And it all goes to hell after that. Bumblebee (who only talks through bad sound clips), Drift (who has a Japanese accent because he uses swords), Crosshairs (who has an Aussie/Brit accent because he's an arse), and Hound (who has a John Goodman accent because he's portly) are the only Autobots left to help out. False Steve Jobs, however, has successfully manufactured his own version of Optimus Prime out of Megatron's body, and they call it Galvatron. He also has fifty other prototypes waiting for juice.
In the end, there's a big final battle in Hong Kong and then the best part of the movie happens:
A giant robot who is also a truck is riding a giant robot who is also a fire-breathing dinosaur. This is what you are paying $12 for.
Also, as is the case with the series, most of the humans suck and you wish they were all dead. Yes, even you Kelsey Grammer. Even you. We can only hope that someday Michael Bay will realize this and make a movie that would actually be interesting: "Transformers: The Cybertron Wars", which would take place on the Transformer homeworld and would ONLY FEATURE GIANT ROBOTS BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER. This should be the only movie that Mr. Bay is allowed to make, effective immediately.
Verdict: Marky Mark >> Shia Laboeuoeueuf. That's all we got, folks.
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes
Previously, in our series, Mark Wahlberg travelled through time and space to... no wait, that's the other Planet of the Apes reboot that went nowhere, despite having a big roster of star power attached to it. Much like Mathew Broderick in "Godzilla", we'll just pretend this didn't happen and move forward.
Less previously, in this series, James Franco accidentally doomed the human race by trying to find a cure for Alzheimer's Disease. He also accidentally created a hyper-intelligent chimpanzee named Caesar. I suppose his first mistake was naming the ape Caesar. None of this would have happened with an ape named Lincoln or Gandhi. But I digress. The point is, thanks to complications, a plague broke loose and killed most of the population of Earth. Caesar used the science that created him to enhance other apes, and they went free to live in the forests of Northern California, away from humanity. They also learned to speak.
Fast forward ten years later. A handful of humans survive and eke out a living in the ruins of San Francisco. Not far away, Caesar and co. have created a primitive city in the hills and trees, and live there in peace. Naturally this means that everything is going to go to hell and everyone will die. Also, just in case you weren't sure that was what would happen, Gary Oldman is leading the humans. That's never a good sign.
The plot: In the battle between man and ape, you should have guns. Lots of guns. Also, an ape charges into battle on a horse wielding two machine guns. Fair is fair; that's pretty damn badass.
The pros: Ape society is the focus of a good quarter of the film - how Caesar led his ape brothers, and created a city, and how he instilled laws and education and family values to the apes. In the end, when everything falls apart, Caesar acknowledges that his apes behaved just like humans. Gary Oldman is the military leader of the surviving humans, doing what he can to keep his own people safe. The story is simple, as the peaceful human scientists try to work with the ape culture to achieve harmony, and then suspicions on both sides lead to chaos and destruction, as usually happens in these movies. The graphics used to render all the apes is impressive and seamless, and works well within the backdrops. Andy Serkis is, once again, an ape (he was King Kong once too), and he plays his motion-capture part well.
The cons: It's a long movie, and you know what's going to happen well before it happens. The humans have done a suspiciously good job at surviving for so long; they were lucky to keep basic services up and running, I guess. Some of the movie posters show the Golden Gate Bridge being blown up; chalk that up to "Did Not Happen In Film".
The verdict: The ape scenes are really well done. It's worth it just to watch the shots of ape society.
Note: Let's see, ape with vicious scars, number one to the ape leader... yeah, I'm sure he's not going to turn evil or anything.
Note: Maurice is still the best ape. You can't not love Maurice.
Transformers: Age of Extinction
Do the Transformers films get worse as they go on? That's a silly question. Of course they do. It's Michael Bay, with special guest star Explosions, who also is filling in for the writing. Is this the worst of the lot? Possibly. I think this movie had one purpose and one purpose only, but I'll get to that shortly.
What do we have? We have the CIA in league with a robot bounty hunter named Lockdown who wants to capture Optimus Prime. We have a tech magnate Steve Jobs wanna-be who wants to build his own Transformers using their raw materials, which the CIA gladly provides (hint: Transformers can transform because they're made of Transformium. Oh yeah. Roll that around your brain for a bit there). So Lockdown hunts down and kills any Transformers he can find, steals their souls, and gives their bodies over to science. That's bad. Science doesn't care, because fuck it, it's science! The CIA just wants to kill them all and be done with it.
Who comes to the rescue? Marky Mark discovers Optimus Prime and jumpstarts him. And it all goes to hell after that. Bumblebee (who only talks through bad sound clips), Drift (who has a Japanese accent because he uses swords), Crosshairs (who has an Aussie/Brit accent because he's an arse), and Hound (who has a John Goodman accent because he's portly) are the only Autobots left to help out. False Steve Jobs, however, has successfully manufactured his own version of Optimus Prime out of Megatron's body, and they call it Galvatron. He also has fifty other prototypes waiting for juice.
In the end, there's a big final battle in Hong Kong and then the best part of the movie happens:
A giant robot who is also a truck is riding a giant robot who is also a fire-breathing dinosaur. This is what you are paying $12 for.
Also, as is the case with the series, most of the humans suck and you wish they were all dead. Yes, even you Kelsey Grammer. Even you. We can only hope that someday Michael Bay will realize this and make a movie that would actually be interesting: "Transformers: The Cybertron Wars", which would take place on the Transformer homeworld and would ONLY FEATURE GIANT ROBOTS BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER. This should be the only movie that Mr. Bay is allowed to make, effective immediately.
Verdict: Marky Mark >> Shia Laboeuoeueuf. That's all we got, folks.
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no subject
Date: 2014-08-26 10:35 am (UTC)Transformers on the other hand... I half-watched one movie in the series (don't ask me which one because I didn't care enough, but they end up fighting on the Egyptian pyramids) and plain "it's late and the sofa is comfy" inertia kept me from walking away. And I remember enjoying the cartoon when I was little, so it's not that I'm not down with giant robots.
In summary: thanks for watching movies so I don't have to.
no subject
Date: 2014-08-27 03:08 am (UTC)The Marky-Mark Planet of the Apes was ok, it just didn't do as well as it could have. Sure, you had a Charlton Heston cameo and apes having sex and Helena Bonham Ape Carter and Ape Shang Tsung, and it even ended with Aperaham Lincoln, but it just didn't do the thing.
Transformers... stop. Just stop. They're not even fun anymore. And this might have been one of the more fun ones. The cartoon still seems better. Even if it was cheesy.