Stupid Survey... Chaos Style!

[chaosvizier]

deinemuse had this survey up on her LJ. I wonder who thinks of these things... but then, aren't they really just an opportunity for comedy, like so many other things? I say yea.

If I were a stone, I would be: Mick Jagger
If I were a tree, I would be: Treebeard
If I were a bird, I would be: Avenger, Harvey Birdman's loyal sidekick
If I were a machine, I would be a: pie-making machine, like in Chicken Run
If I were a tool, I would be: [censored]
If I were a flower/plant, I would be: poisonous
If I were a kind of weather, I would be: Hail. Hot Hail would be better, though.
If I were a mythical creature, I would be: Cerberus
If I were a musical instrument, I would be: French Horn. Oh, excuse me, I mean Freedom Horn.
If I were an animal, I would be a: Bull
If I were a color, I would be: Black as Hotblack Desiato's stunt car
If I were an emotion, I would be: "Your hate has made you powerful."
If I were a vegetable, I would be: Jerry Lewis
If I were a sound, I would be: low E-flat played on a bass clarinet.
If I were an Element, I would be: Mercury
If I were a car, I would be: the G-6155 Interceptor (bonus points for whichever geek figues this one out)
If I were a song, I would be: Prince of Darkness (Indigo Girls)
If I were to trade places with another person, it would be: Osama Bin Laden. Then I'd trade back and tell someone "He's over there!"
If I were a movie, I would be: Flash Gordon
If I were a food, I would be: fast
If I were a place, I would be: over there. Although some people say being near me is their own private hell, so I guess I could be Tartarus as well. I'm down with that.
If I were a material, I would be: soft and smooth.
If I were a taste, I would be: sweet and salty, like chocolate covered pretzels.
If I were a scent, I would be: covered with deodorant. eeewww, stinky!
If I were a religion, I would be: whatever the Aztecs worshipped. Three cheers for human sacrifice!
If I were a word, I would be: Nordamerikanschesgestreifteseichhörnchen
Clarification: If I were an English word, I would be: Annihilation
If I were an object, I would be: worth about 1.2M on the open market, but maybe only 800K on ebay
If I were a body part I would be: [censored]
If I were a facial expression I would be: Sarcastic Grin
If I were a subject in school I would be: Recess
If I were a cartoon character I would be: Optimus Prime. All other cartoon characters bow down before his robotic awesomeness.
If I were a shape I would be an: Equilateral Triangle
If I were a number I would be: 5 (hah, you thought I was going to say "69, Duuude!" Well, I'm above that.)
If I were a month I would be: Juvember
If I were a day of the week I would be: yesterday
If I were a time of day I would be: midnight
If I were a planet I would be: Uranus. huh huh... (ok, I lied, I'm not above that.)
If I were a sea animal I would be a: Coelocanth
If I were a direction I would be: thataway
If I were a piece of furniture I would be: Liquor Cabinet
If I were a sin I would be: Lust, although the Dante's Inferno test tells me I'd be a heretic. Lust sounds like more fun, though. Not that I'd know, of course, goddammit... grrrr... okay, so maybe Wrath might be my sin. Fuck.