Science, Medicine, and Wangs
Aug. 25th, 2015 02:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
chaosvizierSo, for those of you who know me, you are probably fully aware that if by some chance I were to encounter an article about cyborg penis implants, I would have no choice but to a) read it and b) mock it without hesitation.
And so, without further ado, let us contemplate the article entitled "Man Given Eight-Inch Bionic Penis After Losing Use Of Genitals In An Accident".
The article is preceded by a picture of a surgical procedure. The image is provided by Shutterstock. MORE LIKE SHUTTERCOCK AMIRITE?
Anyway, moving on. Let's take this line by line.
A 43-year-old man who lost the use of his genitals at the age of six has been given a “bionic penis.”
Let's not mock this person's tragedy. However, let us note the word "bionic", which, according to Dictionary.com, means "utilizing electronic devices and mechanical parts to assist humans in performing difficult, dangerous, or intricate tasks, as by supplementing or duplicating parts of the body". This definition is key.
The new device, which is 20 centimeters (eight inches) long, uses fluids from an implant in his belly to inflate two tubes along its length. It is controlled by a button on his scrotum.
Percentage of doctors who were upset that BioniCock is larger than their natural Johnson: 90% and rising.
Number of Asian doctors involved in this procedure: classified.
Number of women doctors involved in this research: classified.
Also, THERE'S A BUTTON ON HIS SCROTUM. Allow me to be blunt here: I have, on more than one occasion, given my giggleberries a good scratching. I can see myself hitting this button accidentally. A lot. Just saying.
Mohammed Abad from Edinburgh, Scotland, lost the use of his penis in a tragic accident as a child when he was hit by a car and dragged for 180 meters (600 feet).
Again, I do not want to mock this person's childhood trauma. That's rude. I have, however, been saying in my head "I am Mohammed Abad from the Clan Abad, and I am immortal. There can be only one!" This is entertaining me more than it should.
Three years ago, doctors began using skin grafts from his arm to create a new penis for him, which has finally been attached after an 11-hour operation at University College London.
"Like a baby's arm holding an apple?" - "No, like my arm." - "Were you holding an apple?" - "No, this is Scotland. Obviously I was holding an 18 year Glenfiddich." - "This joke sucks now. Thanks, Mohammed."
Also also, this operation should have taken 69 hours. Not for any really good reason.
"When you want a bit of action you press the ‘on’ button," Abad told The Sun. "When you are finished you press another button. It takes seconds. Doctors have told me to keep practising."
There's nothing I can say here to make this funnier. Full credit, Mohammed.
...wait, how many buttons are on your scrotum anyway? That thing's like a wireless mouse at this point. If he rolls the scroll wheel, does it vibrate?
Abad can now achieve an erection for the first time since the accident. The new appendage should also apparently allow him to start a family. Abad lost his left testicle in the accident, but his other is still functioning
Correction: the new appendage should allow him to start a mechanized cyberfamily with which to enslave mankind and dominate the world. This is how it starts, one MechaDong at a time.
It is the first such bionic penis, but in March this year, an unidentified South African man became the recipient of the world’s first successful penis transplant. The 21-year-old had lost his penis after a circumcision went wrong. In June, it was announced that he was to become a father thanks to the operation.
When I die, I'll be sure to include Old One-Eye on my list of organs to donate. If I can help someone after a circumcision gone wrong, then I should step up to the plate and give.
NOTE: A second article, linked from the first, provides new information.
Abad, who is divorced and currently single, had his final operation last month at University College London.
Ladies, have you ever wanted to meet a sexual cyborg and accept his nanite spawn as your own? Meet Mohammed Abad!
“I have a pump in my testicles, so when I want to have sex, I pump it up, inflate it and the fluid makes its way into the tubes and that gives me an erection," he said. "And after that, I deflate it when I’m finished.”
The unspoken implication here is that he can do this at will, without pause, and without recharge period. He could, in theory, maintain an infinite erection. Tantric Sting, your status as sexual machine has been usurped... BY AN ACTUAL MACHINE.
Now the security guard dreams of having kids, which he described as “a miracle."
Not all miracles are good miracles. He'll discover this once his cybernetic spawn begin their systematic annihilation of mankind. He will be the father of the apocalypse, and he will be helpless to stop it. Only at the end, when he is the last man standing, will his undying offspring turn to him and intone "Behold what you have created, Father", and then they will turn on him too.
Thus beginneth the fall of Man.
And so, without further ado, let us contemplate the article entitled "Man Given Eight-Inch Bionic Penis After Losing Use Of Genitals In An Accident".
The article is preceded by a picture of a surgical procedure. The image is provided by Shutterstock. MORE LIKE SHUTTERCOCK AMIRITE?
Anyway, moving on. Let's take this line by line.
A 43-year-old man who lost the use of his genitals at the age of six has been given a “bionic penis.”
Let's not mock this person's tragedy. However, let us note the word "bionic", which, according to Dictionary.com, means "utilizing electronic devices and mechanical parts to assist humans in performing difficult, dangerous, or intricate tasks, as by supplementing or duplicating parts of the body". This definition is key.
The new device, which is 20 centimeters (eight inches) long, uses fluids from an implant in his belly to inflate two tubes along its length. It is controlled by a button on his scrotum.
Percentage of doctors who were upset that BioniCock is larger than their natural Johnson: 90% and rising.
Number of Asian doctors involved in this procedure: classified.
Number of women doctors involved in this research: classified.
Also, THERE'S A BUTTON ON HIS SCROTUM. Allow me to be blunt here: I have, on more than one occasion, given my giggleberries a good scratching. I can see myself hitting this button accidentally. A lot. Just saying.
Mohammed Abad from Edinburgh, Scotland, lost the use of his penis in a tragic accident as a child when he was hit by a car and dragged for 180 meters (600 feet).
Again, I do not want to mock this person's childhood trauma. That's rude. I have, however, been saying in my head "I am Mohammed Abad from the Clan Abad, and I am immortal. There can be only one!" This is entertaining me more than it should.
Three years ago, doctors began using skin grafts from his arm to create a new penis for him, which has finally been attached after an 11-hour operation at University College London.
"Like a baby's arm holding an apple?" - "No, like my arm." - "Were you holding an apple?" - "No, this is Scotland. Obviously I was holding an 18 year Glenfiddich." - "This joke sucks now. Thanks, Mohammed."
Also also, this operation should have taken 69 hours. Not for any really good reason.
"When you want a bit of action you press the ‘on’ button," Abad told The Sun. "When you are finished you press another button. It takes seconds. Doctors have told me to keep practising."
There's nothing I can say here to make this funnier. Full credit, Mohammed.
...wait, how many buttons are on your scrotum anyway? That thing's like a wireless mouse at this point. If he rolls the scroll wheel, does it vibrate?
Abad can now achieve an erection for the first time since the accident. The new appendage should also apparently allow him to start a family. Abad lost his left testicle in the accident, but his other is still functioning
Correction: the new appendage should allow him to start a mechanized cyberfamily with which to enslave mankind and dominate the world. This is how it starts, one MechaDong at a time.
It is the first such bionic penis, but in March this year, an unidentified South African man became the recipient of the world’s first successful penis transplant. The 21-year-old had lost his penis after a circumcision went wrong. In June, it was announced that he was to become a father thanks to the operation.
When I die, I'll be sure to include Old One-Eye on my list of organs to donate. If I can help someone after a circumcision gone wrong, then I should step up to the plate and give.
NOTE: A second article, linked from the first, provides new information.
Abad, who is divorced and currently single, had his final operation last month at University College London.
Ladies, have you ever wanted to meet a sexual cyborg and accept his nanite spawn as your own? Meet Mohammed Abad!
“I have a pump in my testicles, so when I want to have sex, I pump it up, inflate it and the fluid makes its way into the tubes and that gives me an erection," he said. "And after that, I deflate it when I’m finished.”
The unspoken implication here is that he can do this at will, without pause, and without recharge period. He could, in theory, maintain an infinite erection. Tantric Sting, your status as sexual machine has been usurped... BY AN ACTUAL MACHINE.
Now the security guard dreams of having kids, which he described as “a miracle."
Not all miracles are good miracles. He'll discover this once his cybernetic spawn begin their systematic annihilation of mankind. He will be the father of the apocalypse, and he will be helpless to stop it. Only at the end, when he is the last man standing, will his undying offspring turn to him and intone "Behold what you have created, Father", and then they will turn on him too.
Thus beginneth the fall of Man.
