Some Movie Ideas Just Should Not Be

[chaosvizier]

This post is dedicated to cheezdanish, who made mention of a terrible, terrible thing.




SETTING: An unidentified seashore. The sun is shining high in a clear blue sky. A boardwalk parallels the beach, a classic wooden array with arcade fronts as far as the eye can see. A boy is skipping along the boardwalk. He is ten, bald, with a big bushy moustache. He is wearing a tuxedo and walking a small white schnauzer.

Suddenly his path is blocked by three older boys. One of them is wearing a tall black top hat. Another has a pair of large worn leather boots. The third one, the tallest, speaks.

"Hey, kid. You know where you are?"

"I'm... on the boardwalk?"

"That's right. Our boardwalk. Our dads own this place, and that means you gotta pay to be here."

"Pay? But... I don't have any money! I can't pay!"

"Then we're just going to have to take something instead."

A cloud of altercation ensues. The boy is left standing in an undershirt and boxers, and the older boys have taken his fine tuxedo.

"You want to walk the boardwalk, you gotta pay the fee, kid. See you real soon!"

The boys hop into a nearby racecar and drive off down Park Place.

The young boy is crying, but then his face changes, and he gathers his courage.

"I'll get you for this. One day, you will pay me back! I will end your MONOPOLY!"

*DUN DUN DUUUUUNNNNNNNNN*

*CUE TITLE SCREEN AND OPENING CREDITS: MONOPOLY - THE MOVIE*



*25 YEARS LATER*

SETTING: A vast and crowded railway terminal. The hustle and bustle is everywhere. The loudspeaker announces "Short Line arriving from New York, track 6!"

As we zoom in on Track 6, we see a tuxedoed passenger disembark. From the back we can see that he is tall and distinguished, his tux immaculate, his gait quick and purposeful. A white schnauzer walks at his side.

He exits the terminal, and a black limousine is waiting. The chauffeur, Bil Nighy, has a door open.

"Good day, Mister M. Good to see you again."

We see Mister M from the front: Ben Kingsley, bald, with a big bushy moustache. "Thank you, Jeeves. Let's be off now."

The limousine departs. "Straight to your hotel, then, sir?"

"Let's see the new place first."

"Ah, the housing development on Oriental?"

"That's the one."

"It's a beauty, sir. I hear there are some fine offers coming in."

Mister M opens up a newspaper. The headline reads "Thimble Real Estate Bankrupt! - Enigmatic Tycoon Mister M Strikes Again". Mister M smiles.

"Another player off the grid. Only the big guns remain..." He flips through the paper, and other pictures appear: TopHat Industries, run by a dapper-looking Christian Bale. Leatherfoot Incorporated, owned by Eminem. And finally, Racer Unlimited, presided over by an angry-looking George C. Scott and his son, Topher Grace. Strangely, everyone has a bushy white moustache too.

"Vengeance, boys. It's time for a new chairman of the Boardwalk."

*DUN DUN DUUUUUUUNNNNNNN!*

Comments

[naraht.livejournal.com]

I'd watch it..

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

I hope it has Corporate Nudity! That's good business! I'm predicting a string of porn shops along Baltic Ave. Yeah.

[fax-celestis.livejournal.com]

I'm imagining that the porn knock-off titles ("Mono-poly"? "Magic: the Gangbanging"?) are going to be better than the actual films. How often does that happen?

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

Amazingly enough, the porn knock off title for "Stretch Armstrong" is still "Stretch Armstrong".

[cheezdanish.livejournal.com]

Hahahahahahah Ben Kingsley aged faster than his bullying antagonists.

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

Childhood trauma, man. It ages you like no one's business.

Haha, I said "business".

I hope he and George C. Scott get into a wrestling match before the movie ends...

[queencallipygos.livejournal.com]

...There already WAS a film based on "Clue", wasn't there?

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

Yes, there was. And it was quite funny, mostly due to the awesomeness that was Tim Curry. A New Clue would be an abomination. Unless it's Clue 2: Clue Boogacloo.

[fax-celestis.livejournal.com]

YOUR REIGN OF PUNNISH TERROR ENDS HERE, chaosvizier! I WILL NOT STAND FOR YOUR TYRANNY ANY LONGER.

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

YOU AND WHAT ARMY? ARE YOU GOING TO TRY TO SINK MY BATTLESHIP? I'VE GOT A WHOLE BUNCH OF C-4 JUST WAITING FOR YOU!

[fax-celestis.livejournal.com]

OH YEAH WELL I SALVO OFF AT A5

[fizrep.livejournal.com]

The mind Boggles.

[fax-celestis.livejournal.com]

And I do believe you've caught me in a Mousetrap.

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

That's the Risk you took when you started this.

[fax-celestis.livejournal.com]

Ah, but you see, you have missed that I have only but to Connect Four bits of your Battleship to sink it, and I already have three!

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

Rest assured, I will not be Sorry when I take my revenge!

[fax-celestis.livejournal.com]

Just be sure you Don't Wake Daddy when you do.

[richcsigs.livejournal.com]

This whole thread is nothing but Trouble.

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

We have clearly launched into a terribly complicated Operation here.

[richcsigs.livejournal.com]

But we're doing it to Perfection.

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

It's a helluva challenge to our collective Cranium, though.

[fizrep.livejournal.com]

Yeah well, that's Life for you.

[lady-autumnstar.livejournal.com]

oh my stars and garters.

As we all know, there's already Clue: The Movie. To try to remake that would be a disaster of the first magnitude. And, GI Joe is based on a real Marine, a bona fide WWII hero. The deal with Hasbro was that GI Joe would always be a stand-up kind of guy. A Marine. I read an article not long ago that said in the movie version he would be a UN operative. Please, somebody, have the grace to NOT make that movie.

Monopoly...hhmmmm...*if* it's done right-what am I saying-this is Hollyweird. Abandon all hope.

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

Too late! G.I.Joe is a go! Thanks to the power of the Transformers, it was only a matter of time. I do hope it sticks to its roots, though. I hate "UN Operatives". The UN does not have operatives, no matter what the movies say. The UN wishes it had cool operatives. Hell, even Jean Claude Van Damme was cooler in Street Fighter than anything the UN has now. Heh.

Monopoly... I just can't grasp it. Nope.

[lovellama.livejournal.com]

I'm jonesing for a Ruxpin movie.

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

But really, who isn't? Although I think he should join a metal band instead.

"I'm Smokin' E. Bear, Esquire!"
"And I'm Ted 'Theodore' Ruxpin!"
"And we're WYLD URSYNEZ!!!!!!"

[lovellama.livejournal.com]

Ooo, that could be the first one, then the Bond one after. :D

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

Yeah. Heavy Metal rocker turned Secret Agent. And in the third movie, he'll have a one-on-one battle against Sasquatch to rule the forest.

[fax-celestis.livejournal.com]

Needs more cowbell ümläüts!

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

Everything needs more umlauts. It worked for Motley Cruemlaut; it can work again here.

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

I would absolutely watch "Smokey And Ted's Forest Adventure" and the sequel, "Smokey And Ted's Jungle Journey."

[mamajoan.livejournal.com]

*facepalm* It could totally happen. This morning I saw a billboard for what appears to be a movie based on Horton Hears a Who. Nothing is sacred any more.

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

I've seen the preview. It looks like more of Jim Carrey at his lamest, bastardizing another Dr. Seuss classic. With Steve Carell thrown in for bad measure.

Flawless List

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

Ok, I'll admit, I would pay extra to see Clive Owen in "Shoots And Ladders". I'm not proud.

Re: But why stop there?!

[fax-celestis.livejournal.com]

"Tim Burton's Candyland", starring Johnny Depp.

...I'd watch it.

[the-wanlorn.livejournal.com]

See, I'm excited for this just to see what the fuck they come up with.

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

Granted, there is no limit to the possibilities. My general fear is that all the possibilities suck, unless they're designed with maximum tongue-in-cheek comedic influence. If it's a movie that absolutely does not take itself seriously and milks the franchise for every last ounce of mockery, then I could see it going surprisingly well.