chaosvizier | Movie Magnetism!

And so the summer blockbuster season continues with what might be the biggest hit of all: X-Men 3: X-ality. Is it X-treme enough? X-cellent enough? Over-X-aggerated? Find out now!

X-Men 3: The Last Stand

Movies based on comics are vulnerable to hyperbole and exaggeration, simply because that is the nature of comics- everything is huger, more vivid, more powerful, more energetic. Heroes are paragons of humanity, or supernatural entities; villains are ruthless and evil and the embodiment of cruelty. Some scripts follow this simplistic formula to the letter and create simplistic movies. However, some comics have created environments in which there are higher concepts and moral dilemmas to be addressed. Batman embodies justice above the law; Spider-Man is just an ordinary kid who becomes extraordinary; V brings anarchy and freedom to a subdued populace. The X-Men have always been a symbol of bigotry and prejudice, as "normal" humans are confronted with a "mutant" race that threatens them with their differences.

The previous two films address this issue on smaller scales, building up the characters and their interactions and histories and setting the stage for larger conflicts between mankind and mutantkind. This third film explores the larger scale issue: war between the species, with genocide high on the list. And the film does try to live up to its name, "The Last Stand", as fatality soars high on all fronts.

The plot: Humans bad. Magneto bad. X-Men get between a war of baddies. Also, Wolverine turns down hot sex. WTF?

The pros: A movie like this relies on special effects to carry many of its points across, and this series has never been a slouch in that department. Likewise, the continuation of the story is decent, with the original characters continuing their roles as before. The movie does not waste time with rehashing what has gone before; the audience is assumed to be aware of previous events and, as a result, what all the characters are about. The introduction of new characters, both hero and villain, allow for expansion of the armies and a little change when things start to go awry, as they are wont to do. And the issues addressed are heavy: A "cure" for mutation becomes available. It turns mutants into normal humans again. Many mutants think it is an oppression of their rights, and Magneto believes it is a declaration of war, in which the final outcome would be the genocide of all mutants at the whims of "human" government. But some mutants see the cure as a blessing, giving them a chance to live a life free of prejudice, free from disfiguring or disabling mutations that make them outcast. Extra props for Kelsey Grammar as The Beast, though; definitely wins the "Best New Character" award.

The cons: Ignoring things like canon and accuracy and similarity to the source material, the key problem is that this movie is too short. At a mere 90 minutes and change, there is no room for character development, especially when so many new characters are introduced and brought to the forefront. Kitty Pryde is a young girl suddenly thrust into the firing line; her "character" scene lasts all of 90 seconds. Colossus? I don't think he even got a character scene. And while the deaths of Xavier and Cyclops transform the dynamic of the team, even those setups are short and undeveloped. The use and misuse of Phoenix by both Xavier and Magneto is perhaps the only interesting and developed storyline beyond the main plot of humans curing mutants. In other points, the bridge scene was showy but unnecessary, and Magneto's Brotherhood of Wankers was even less interesting than the wankers he had in the first film. The Brotherhood of Lo Pan would have those jerks for lunch.

The verdict: It is good, but it needs more. Ultimately, the worst of the three, which is a shame, because the potential for it to have been the best is definitely there.

Disclaimer: Of course Jean went crazy. The first mutant she met who liked her was a weirdo in a purple suit. Purple! Jebus.

Disclaimer: For a movie entitled "The Last Stand", they sure left a lot of openings for a followup. I can't wait for "Final Fantasy X-Men: Final And Last Mean Nothing To Us".

Disclaimer: "Oooh, my mutant power is writing without a pen! I just think and words appear in my notebook!" You belong in the Brotherhood of Cannonfodder Mutants.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

See, in the comics, Cyclops always was my favorite- the somewhat reluctant and not always confident team leader, slowly developing into a hero and realising his ill-fated relationship with Jean... his tales were always a bit sad and touching. Here in the films, he's given short shrift and becomes a wanker so much that even I wanted him to buy it. Which is tough for me to admit.

I always hated Cyclops, even in the comics. He was always so goody-goody. I liked reading Colossus stories. He always seemed to me like the most unexplored character on the team.

Gambit stories were always the worst for me. He was so lame.

I liked Nightcrawler too. He had personality that was interesting. He should have gotten it on with Kitty instead of Colossus.

Nighcrawler got it on with Colossus! My God, that's open-minded of good old Stan!

;)

Those X-Men, always pushing the envelope.

Besides, Colossus is everyone's favorite sex partner. Always hard!

*groan*

Spare me your false indignation, woman! You knew that was coming. ;-)

And speaking of coming... does Colossus then shoot forth metalclad sperm? "In Soviet Russia, Colossus Impregnates You!"

Personally, I suspect that in his metal clad form he's incapable of ejaculating, consider that he doesn't even bleed when he's metal, hence it's likely that all of the liquid constituents of his body are rendered into the organic metal he shifts into. Alternately, it may also be possible that it's so difficult to get any sensation through to him while he's metalic that you'd need someone with the equivalent kegel-squeezing power of She-hulk before his metal rod receives enough stimulation to climax.

Which makes me wonder how things went when he was stuck in metal form for a good long while many years back. Mutant priapism! Whee!

Yes, I think about this sort of thing too much.

Hehehehe... Colossus and She-Hulk. Now that's awesome.

Well, only if he has Magneto's help.

OH NO COLOSSUS AND MAGNETO ARE TEH GHEY!

Yeah, I never liked Gambit either. Rogue, on the other hand, I liked lots.

Rogue is a great tragic figure. Which is again why I was upset that this movie was so short: her bit is practically a throwaway, and yet it is right at the core of the issue. It would have merited a bit more time and effort.

Yeah. Here we have an X-Men who is willing to giv eup her powers to become just another normal person and it was about a 5 minute segment in the movie. That should have gotten a greater amount of story time, instead of just making it look like the only reason she's doing it is because she's jealous of some other girl with her boyfriend.

Then she gives up her powers and no one says or does anything. WTF?

Bingo. That was the crux of the movie: Is it right to use the cure? Is it a weapon? Do other mutants judge or condemn those who choose the cure? Do good mutants use the cure to neutralize bad mutants? Why doesn't Robert Smith cameo in this film? THE CURE!

Hey, wandered over here from Metaquotes. Thank you for saying this. I've definitely always had a bit of a comic book crush on Cyclops, and I was so sad when everyone I knew saw the movies and only thought of him as a bastard. I wasn't jumping for joy when he died, but I was relieved that I didn't have to watch his characterization be sodomized anymore.

That said, this whole summary is really accurate and excellent.

Thank you.

Cyclops lovers unite! Up with the wholesome nice guy! Down with that Cajun jerk! ;-)

Oh, Cyclops isn't a bastard. He's just boring.

This may sound very fanwankish to you, but it was fanfic + the first Adventures of Cyclops and Phoenix that got me to love and adore Cyke. I'm with the Vizier!

But I would also go down on Gambit. ^_^

Cajuns are skeeeeeeevy! ;-)

Personally, I prefer the films' Rogue/Iceman love over the comics' Rogue/Gambit love. Although really, if the cure wears off ever, I contend that it is Rogue's destiny to fall in love with Leech, who will be the only person that she can ever touch safely.

But I would also go down on Gambit.

I'd be careful about that. If he loses control, boom! There goes your head (pun very much intended).

Hmm, could he supercharge his own load? I guess, if his power doesn't just come from things he's holding in his hands... a frightening prospect!

Ah, the joys of mutant sex. So much variety! So much possibility!

Movie Magnetism!

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