So, for those of you who know me, you are probably fully aware that if by some chance I were to encounter an article about cyborg penis implants, I would have no choice but to a) read it and b) mock it without hesitation.

And so, without further ado, let us contemplate the article entitled "Man Given Eight-Inch Bionic Penis After Losing Use Of Genitals In An Accident".

Cut because... well, not for any good reason. Cyborg cocks deserve attention. )
So, the internet appears to be abuzz with the technique to summon a Mexican demon named Charlie.

1) Really, internet? Really?
2) I'm of the (perhaps unusual?) opinion that a Mexican demon would be named Carlos, not Charlie. But perhaps I should be open to Carlos's adoption of anglicized nicknames. It's his choice; who am I to decide for him?
3) My knowledge of demonology is questionable, but do demons have Earthly nationalities? Were they not formed from the primeval aether at the dawn of creation? Or do they spring into being from the collective subconscious of mankind, drawing upon the nationality of the believers?
4) Did Carlos/Charlie take into account the nature of 21st century Earth technology when he allowed his summoning mechanism to be publicized? Because it looks like he's getting several thousand summons an hour. How does he pick and choose who he visits? Is he getting really tired? Like "Ok, five seconds to rattle their lampshades. Cut power here, half a second. Cracked mirror, two seconds. Haul up to Chicago for a few minutes, then back to Dublin, and Cairo... sweet Jesus, this is the worst idea ever... shit, did I say Jesus? Oh man, boss is gonna yell at me."
5) Is the chubacabra jealous of all the attention Carlos/Charlie is getting? He used to be the number one Mexican spook, but Charlie's got the web by the balls and isn't letting go. Poor goat sucker. Born in the wrong century.
6) No really, internet. Are we seriously doing this? Can't we just say Bloody Mary in the mirror three times like the good old days?

In summary, people are crazy, I'm still sober, and if you say my name five times to a gin bottle, I'll try to head over there soonest and maybe rattle something. But you gotta mean it.
So, this article made its way across my facebook feed…

Average Penis Size Revealed In Study Results

…and of course I had to read it because… well, just because. Shut up, don’t judge me. You just read it too, didn’t you? That’s right, you did. Shut up.

But an article like this merits greater scrutiny. Nay, it DEMANDS that scrutiny. So let’s take a little walk together and look at this article in greater depth without considering for a moment the fact that maybe British researchers need a hobby or something.

Also, I dedicate this post to [livejournal.com profile] skullgrrl, because she once shared with me another article done by serious scientists.

Danger: Wang jokes ahead. Do I dare say 'Prickly Subject Matter'? Or 'Ridickulously Amusing Article'? Or 'Research Concockts Cock Plot'? The possibilities are endless. )

Deja View?

Jun. 23rd, 2014 02:20 pm
Yes, that feeling you have when you've done all this before. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I'm getting old, and my eyeballs aren't exactly operating on full thrusters. Today's glorious misread is, again, borne from the sports headlines:

"Isaiah Austin diagnosed with Martian syndrome, basketball career over."

I agree with this completely. If the Martians want to play basketball, they can form their own leagues and keep it to themselves. Martians have no place in human sports.

...hmm, maybe that's not correct after all. Let's see here... reading glasses...

"Isaiah Austin diagnosed with MARFAN syndrome, basketball career over."

...well fine. I still think those Martians should keep their shapeshifting asses out of our sports. Yes, you too, J'onn J'onnz. Frigging Martians.
So, as Facebook users may know, the upper right corner of the display contains a little section called "trending" where it shows the Hot Topics Of The Moment.

Intermission: Yes, I'm getting older, and my eyesight isn't what it used to be, and reading glasses help, but I don't always wear them.

As I was scrolling around, I read "76ers honor Alien Invasion, retire No.3."

...

...

where are those frigging reading glasses

oh there they are, let's see now...

Ohhhhhh... "76ers honor ALLEN IVERSON, retire No.3". Yeah, that makes much more sense. *facepalm*
Thanks to my awesome friend [livejournal.com profile] skullgrrl, I discovered this. A few months ago, BBC put this article on their Science News page:

Giant Prehistoric Toilet Unearthed

This article truly deserves some careful analysis and consideration to determine exactly how awesome it really is.

Listen, I love science as much as anyone else. But I also love making fun of stuff, and I couldn't stop myself. So, to use an appropriate phrase, I'm letting the shit hit the fan here. )
So there's a section of Barnes and Noble where literature is hanging out and gathering dust, because let's face it, Herman Melville and co. can be pretty dry and boring when you get down to it. But still, these are works of classic literature that all must know and partake of. So you of course have the childrens' version of these books, like ultra-abridged Cliff Notes with pretty pictures. And, hey, it's a good way to get children to familiarize themselves with the classics without crushing their souls under hundreds of torturous pages of excess blathering. Some of the books are even "interactive", to really suck the little buggers in. How could this possibly go wrong?



That's how.

EDIT: As a bonus, I do believe that Moby Dick was a sperm whale. That is all.
I'll post a real entry eventually, summarizing my trip in all its inglorious glory (read: tl;dr), but for now I have to ask myself: Why, in the middle of Kenya, can I hear the distinct and unmistakable sounds of a full-fledged bagpipe and drum band? And no, not a small one either. It's loud, and it's marching, and it's not just someone's TV or stereo on too-high volume. Either there are some very very lost Scotsmen nearby, or there's way too much gin in my latest gin and tonic...
Dear Swine Flu,

Hi there! I see you're reveling in your newfound celebrity today. You even rate a Pandemic Level Four Five with the World Health Organization. That's some pretty hot shit right there. I just want to advise you not to get too comfy up there in the spotlight. You might want to check out your friends SARS and Avian Flu. They were hot shit back in the day too, and look at them now. Folks can't even spell SARS anymore, it's that far under the radar. Your time will come soon enough. Now get out of the news; you're blocking my view of Air Force One playing a late April Fools Joke on Manhattan.

Sincerely,

[livejournal.com profile] chaosvizier

PS - Dear Media Outlets, please wake me up when velociraptor flu makes its debut. I think I'll start paying attention then.
Dreams really are funny things. I'm sure everyone knows this; we've all had weird dreams. But sometimes you do things in your dreams that are so... realistic, in a doofy way. Observe:

Reality: My alarm is set to go off at about 5:50 am. Because I've been getting up at this time for ages, my body is rather used to that, and often wakes itself up around that time, or sometimes a little earlier. Case in point, today, when I woke up at 5:15 am. I roll over and go back to sleep. REM kicks in, and enter the dreamtime.

Dreaming: Location unknown. Setting unknown. Other people unknown. But one of them says "Let's play Monopoly!" Somehow I know that I only have half an hour before my alarm goes off, and therefore I don't have time to play a full game of Monopoly. So, I invent Attrition Monopoly to speed things up.

1) You roll the dice. Whatever you land on, you get. No payment necessary. Carpetbagger.
2) If you land on someone else's stuff, you pay them.
3) You don't collect money for passing Go. What is this, Communism?
4) If you go to Jail, game over. You probably deserved it.
4a) If you land on the Jail square, that means you went to Jail. No one just visits. Game over.
5) No trading properties. This is every man/woman/other for themself.
6) The only money you can make is from other people landing on your stuff, or getting lucky with Chance and Community Chest.
6a) Chance and Community Chest cards do not reshuffle. Every time one is drawn, it is applied and then removed from the game.
6b) The "Get Out Of Jail Free" cards are the only thing that can save you from Jail. Except that it costs you half your current money. No one gets out for free.
7) You don't need a whole set of properties to build houses and hotels. But good luck having enough money to do so.
8) Free Parking? Lose a turn, because, hey, free parking! How can you resist?
9) The moment you reach $-1, you lose. No mortgaging property. Your game is over.
10) Last man standing wins.

We play. Dream memory fades, and then my alarm goes off.

Reality: I wake up. I remember all the rules. I think, "That actually sounds like more fun than real Monopoly." And then I think "I don't even own a Monopoly set. What the hell?"

Stupid dreams.

Science!

Nov. 14th, 2008 08:26 am
Today I learned about lesbian koalas.

While I really should just leave this alone, I am compelled to analyze this article and bring the hard-hitting truth straight to your metaphorical doorsteps.1

Beware, for this way lies only madness and despair. And Prop.8-hatin' koalas. )

1This is in no way meant to offend anyone of the lesbian persuasion. This is just for funnies. If you are easily offended... well, I'm not sure what you're doing on my LJ anyway. ;-)

Candy

Sep. 5th, 2008 03:25 pm
I am eating a lollipop.

Let's interrupt this story by saying something that is obvious to those who know me: I'm willing to eat anything once. I'll give practically anything a try- cow brain, tongue, liver, and so on. There are relatively few exceptions to this aspect of my personality.

Sometimes, this leads to a wondrous discovery. Black Pudding? Not really as bad as it sounds. Limberger cheese? Stinky, but not terrible. That little worm at the bottom of a tequila bottle? Overrated.

That being said, sometimes this leads to great horror.

Now back to our story.

I am eating a lollipop.

The lollipop is, cutely, shaped like a half-circle slice of watermelon, and this image is also reflected on the lollipop wrapper. And one can indeed detect the hint of melony flavor in the distance as one rolls the lollipop over one's tongue.

This melony sweetness, however, is vastly overpowered by the lollipop's OTHER flavor, which does not appear as a picture on the label, and instead is buried in six-point font at the bottom of the wrapper, in the list of ingredients. See if you can spot the thing that doesn't belong:

"Ingredients: Sugar, Corn Syrup, Citric Acid, Titanium Dioxide, GUAJILLO CHILI, Iodized Salt, Artificial Flavors, Blue #2, Red #40, Yellow #5."

I am thoroughly disgusted with this thing, and yet somehow I can't stop eating it. This may be indicative of a different aspect of my personality, one which stubbornly refuses to give in when faced with a stupid decision.

And yes, [livejournal.com profile] fizrep, in case you are wondering, this delectable treat did indeed come from Mexico. It did not, as you perhaps thought, contain any tamarind, though whether that's for better or for worse remains to be seen.
So there I was, wandering around southern Manhattan at 5:00 am, and a homeless guy is trying to sell us death sticks and crack...

But wait, I'm getting ahead of myself here... (EDIT: Now with more pictures and tales!) )
Ok, I'm going to tell a story. Fair warning, and cut-tagged, because, well, storytime.

It's one of my shorter stories, though, so don't be too put off. )

Also, just for shits and giggles...

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is:
Count-Palatine Chaosvizier the Fortunate of Buzzcock Lepshire
Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title


Huh huh, they said "buzzcock", huh huh.
Today's spam headline that caught my eye:

"Rosenberg Sponge"

Now I'm picturing Spongebob Squarepants selling nuclear secrets to the Commies and being publicly executed. And you know what? It sounds good.
I haven't updated here in a long while. I guess I was saving it up for today, when I could buy twenty-four advent calendars and start. I have to buy twenty-four because once I start opening windows, I JUST CAN'T STOP.

More stories follow. Good stories! Embarassing stories! Stories! )
These past few days have been quite impressive, food-wise.

Food. It's good for you. Eat it. All of it. )
I have a paper cut on the side of my forehead.

I don't even know how that is remotely possible. It's not like I routinely headbutt a ream of A4 out of frustration. Well, maybe sometimes. A4 is of the devil. But still.
This post really has no purpose, except that comment fields are limited to 4300 characters. This post is dedicated to [livejournal.com profile] the_wanlorn as a result of her post here.

X-Files Ep.3:9 - Quetzlcoatl )
Previously, our hero had found himself at the mercy of the World Sumo Wrestling League and the infinite shenanigans that went along with a performance of the ages. The tale was magical, but lacked photographic evidence and support... until now.

Now behold the picspamming power of Iron Mountain! )
Page generated Jul. 21st, 2017 12:34 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios