So, for those of you who know me, you are probably fully aware that if by some chance I were to encounter an article about cyborg penis implants, I would have no choice but to a) read it and b) mock it without hesitation.

And so, without further ado, let us contemplate the article entitled "Man Given Eight-Inch Bionic Penis After Losing Use Of Genitals In An Accident".

Cut because... well, not for any good reason. Cyborg cocks deserve attention. )
So, this article made its way across my facebook feed…

Average Penis Size Revealed In Study Results

…and of course I had to read it because… well, just because. Shut up, don’t judge me. You just read it too, didn’t you? That’s right, you did. Shut up.

But an article like this merits greater scrutiny. Nay, it DEMANDS that scrutiny. So let’s take a little walk together and look at this article in greater depth without considering for a moment the fact that maybe British researchers need a hobby or something.

Also, I dedicate this post to [livejournal.com profile] skullgrrl, because she once shared with me another article done by serious scientists.

Danger: Wang jokes ahead. Do I dare say 'Prickly Subject Matter'? Or 'Ridickulously Amusing Article'? Or 'Research Concockts Cock Plot'? The possibilities are endless. )
Little known fact about me: I do like culture. I know, I may seem like an uncultured swine about 99% of the time, but I have an inexplicable knowledge and appreciation of certain "classical" works of human culture. So, while I might make fun of William Shakespeare and his works, that doesn't mean I cannot appreciate them. Same with painting, or sculpture, or music. Especially music; my knowledge of the works of Beethoven and Bach probably exceeds my knowledge of any 20th/21st century musician. This is not an exaggeration.

A more well known fact about me: I drink alcohol. Not, like, hourly. But I do enjoy a gin and tonic as a refreshing beverage, and I know what wines I like, and what beers I like, and (as many of my friends have learned) I like to mix up drinks and create strange and terrible concoctions. Sometimes they work, like the Flaming Coconut Monkey (1/2 Malibu rum, 1/2 99 Bananas schnapps, layer of Bacardi 151, ignite). Sometimes they don't, like that time I mixed Rumpelminz and Coke for [livejournal.com profile] marasca. Sorry, [livejournal.com profile] marasca.

You might be asking yourself, "What do these facts have in common?" Good question. Let's have some storytime to explain this in greater detail...

Drinking and Shakespeare! Holy shit! )
Thanks to my awesome friend [livejournal.com profile] skullgrrl, I discovered this. A few months ago, BBC put this article on their Science News page:

Giant Prehistoric Toilet Unearthed

This article truly deserves some careful analysis and consideration to determine exactly how awesome it really is.

Listen, I love science as much as anyone else. But I also love making fun of stuff, and I couldn't stop myself. So, to use an appropriate phrase, I'm letting the shit hit the fan here. )
Ok, after a month of crazy work time with lots of fun stuff and awesome stuff and crazy stuff (got a pic with the President, met Kal Penn for official business, and chilled with awesome folks from the Pacific), I needed to do something fun and relaxing. And rest assured, the New Yord Food And Wine Festival, sponsored by the Food Network, served that need more than adequately by providing exactly what its name implied, in great quantities. Far be it from me to pass up Food and/or Wine, and so there we go.

Beware: gluttony follows. )
I like animals. It's true. I don't really want a pet, and I must admit that animals are also tasty. But in general, animals are fun. I'm going to leave insects out of the general "animal" equation for the moment, because they can be real dicks sometimes. We'll focus on mammals, because they're fuzzy.

And now, fun with animals! (photo and alt-text heavy; be forewarned...) )
In the words of Obi-Wan Kenobi, "You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy." He was speaking of Mos Eisley spaceport, but truly, had he ever visited Las Vegas, he could have said the exact same thing. And I did too.

Things I did not do in Las Vegas: get married, get hookers, meet Elvis. Just to get that out of the way quick. )
So here I am, sipping vodka out of a skull...

Ok, let's start at the beginning. )

Candy

Sep. 5th, 2008 03:25 pm
I am eating a lollipop.

Let's interrupt this story by saying something that is obvious to those who know me: I'm willing to eat anything once. I'll give practically anything a try- cow brain, tongue, liver, and so on. There are relatively few exceptions to this aspect of my personality.

Sometimes, this leads to a wondrous discovery. Black Pudding? Not really as bad as it sounds. Limberger cheese? Stinky, but not terrible. That little worm at the bottom of a tequila bottle? Overrated.

That being said, sometimes this leads to great horror.

Now back to our story.

I am eating a lollipop.

The lollipop is, cutely, shaped like a half-circle slice of watermelon, and this image is also reflected on the lollipop wrapper. And one can indeed detect the hint of melony flavor in the distance as one rolls the lollipop over one's tongue.

This melony sweetness, however, is vastly overpowered by the lollipop's OTHER flavor, which does not appear as a picture on the label, and instead is buried in six-point font at the bottom of the wrapper, in the list of ingredients. See if you can spot the thing that doesn't belong:

"Ingredients: Sugar, Corn Syrup, Citric Acid, Titanium Dioxide, GUAJILLO CHILI, Iodized Salt, Artificial Flavors, Blue #2, Red #40, Yellow #5."

I am thoroughly disgusted with this thing, and yet somehow I can't stop eating it. This may be indicative of a different aspect of my personality, one which stubbornly refuses to give in when faced with a stupid decision.

And yes, [livejournal.com profile] fizrep, in case you are wondering, this delectable treat did indeed come from Mexico. It did not, as you perhaps thought, contain any tamarind, though whether that's for better or for worse remains to be seen.
Memorial Day weekend has come and gone, and as is often the case, it marks a critical transition: the passing of cool springness to warm summerness. Sure, it's not official; real summer doesn't start for another three weeks. But somehow, everything seems warmer after Memorial Day. A notable exception would currently be "my office", which is not unlike a meat locker right now... but that's beside the point.

One of the other less enjoyable aspects of summer, or at least the newfound warmness, is the emergence of new life. Sure, flowers bloom, and trees turn green, and baby animals are born, and it's all pretty like a Disney movie. Unfortunately, the beauty ends there. New life also emerges in the form of the quadrillion-strong insect kingdom, and it emerges in ugly brutal force.

And now, storytime! Plus, a brief diatribe on the horrors of phylum Arthropoda. Also, creepy photo. )
I was originally going to go into a movie review and, in the spirit of Flash Gordon, talk about another whackjob movie from the early 80's: Krull. Slapping together some "epic fantasy" elements, some "science fiction" elements, a bunch of British character actors (including relatively unknown-at-the-time Liam Neeson and Robbie Coltrane), and a whole mess of cheese, Krull was (and still is) a great guilty-pleasure check-your-brain-at-the-door action flick. Monsters! Lasers! Cyclops! Giant spiders! Aliens! Holy crap!

But then I remembered... Storytime! )
What, you say? How can I possibly write a post entitled "Fun With Cooking"?

Well, in all fairness, you do have a point. My cooking skills are legendary, and not in the good way. The kitchen is not my domain. And I did once set Spaghetti-O's on fire. Not one of my finer moments, indeed. However, when serving as an assistant to someone more trained than I, then I can function in far greater capacity.

Sort of.

But in reality, this post is not about my skills in the kitchen. It's about the net result.

Cut for pictures and non-vegetarian awesomeness )
What follows is a terrifying journey into madness, horror, and goblins. Well, ok, I'm making that all up. It's really just about a bunch of geeks playing games.

Sid Meier, thou art a fiend most villainous! )
So, last month I went on vacation to that West Coast I hear we have. You might already be asking, "Gee, update on time much?" Yeah, well, sometimes you just get lazy. Just for that, here's a long photo-intensive story. Serves you right.

Long and Photo-Intensive Story is hidden behind this cut tag. Beware, oh ye of weak bandwidth and limited attention spans! )
So the other day my good buddy [livejournal.com profile] angledge gives me a great Christmas gift: a ticket to join her in Lincoln Center for a Handel's Messiah sing-along.

Boring post about classical music follows. Click here to laugh at my mediocre singing skillz, yo. )
So there I was, wandering around southern Manhattan at 5:00 am, and a homeless guy is trying to sell us death sticks and crack...

But wait, I'm getting ahead of myself here... (EDIT: Now with more pictures and tales!) )
So, the other day, last weekish sometime, was my birthday. Once again, SO OLD!

Things I did, followed by Things I thought about. Oooh, introspective! )
Ok, I'm going to tell a story. Fair warning, and cut-tagged, because, well, storytime.

It's one of my shorter stories, though, so don't be too put off. )

Also, just for shits and giggles...

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is:
Count-Palatine Chaosvizier the Fortunate of Buzzcock Lepshire
Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title


Huh huh, they said "buzzcock", huh huh.
I haven't updated here in a long while. I guess I was saving it up for today, when I could buy twenty-four advent calendars and start. I have to buy twenty-four because once I start opening windows, I JUST CAN'T STOP.

More stories follow. Good stories! Embarassing stories! Stories! )
Because we're slow, we decided to celebrate Halloween a few days late. Hey, when the holiday's on a Tuesday, what can you do?

And there was a party, And the changing of garments, And hijinks most wacky, And it was Good in the eyes of the Mirror God. )
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