OMGWTFMANTISPWNED!!!

Thanks to [livejournal.com profile] the_5th_element, even though the story squicked her out completely.
Sunday night began as a calm, peaceful evening. The weather was fine, and the apartment hummed to the sounds of Reality Television while I geeked out and beat up evil computer-generated villains. Food had been eaten, drinks had been drunk, and tranquility reigned.

Until I hear, from the television room, "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!" Aye, the unmistakable sounds of a damsel in distress, shrieking in mortal terror. And by damsel, I mean [profile] deinemuse. And by distress, I mean... well, I didn't know what, at the time.

But chivalry is not dead, nay, I say. I leapt to my feet and rushed over to assist. At least, that was my intention. Having a busted knee most certainly ruined the metaphor of "dashing knight to the rescue." So I instead hobbled to my feet and limped over to assist. Not quite the impression I wanted to make. But you know. It's the thought that counts. Or something.

[profile] deinemuse is backed against the wall saying "Eewww, it almost touched me, it's over there, nasty," which, to my mind, indicated that some kind of insectoid life form was involved. I looked up for any flying offenders that might have come in when the door was open, but nothing appeared on the aerial radar. Hmm. A crawler, then. The apartment does occasionally have a problem with silverfish, but they're easy kills. This was something else.

[profile] deinemuse orbits the TV cabinet, eyeing the ground warily. I approach the cabinet as well, looking down for the intruder in question... and he makes his move. Scuttling forward around the corner comes the enemy, and he is BIG.

I'll go on the record here and say yes, I am an arthropod bigot. Six legs good, eight legs not so good, many legs really fucking bad. That's a near-fundamental truth. Centipedes fall into that last category. Their 23798 pairs of long legs move their twisty little bodies along at speeds that would make the late Dale Earnhart proud, and they are capable of biting and even injecting venom, which elevates them to a threat of Al-Qaedian proportions. Chilopodic fiend! Your mockery will not go unpunished!

Operation: Getthefuckouttahere consisted of a pincer movement assault from myself and [profile] deinemuse, while [profile] ghostwriterxx observed with clinical detachment and some mild encouragement. Confused by our two-tiered attack, Mr. Big And Leggy made a quick press forward, but we successfully herded him into a paper bag and "escorted" him outside with a good solid shake. Silently he landed on the sidewalk and scuttled away, hopefully to cause terror and chaos in someone else's apartment.

The evening was thus saved, and peace once again descended upon our humble abode.

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chaosvizier

May 2017

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