As always, the necessary disclaimers to this story are A) I'm old and B) my eyesight often plays tricks on me. Dirty, unwholesome tricks.

Case in point: the sidebar on my Facebook screen which lists trending articles and other such pointless jibba-jabba. I glance at it, looking for anything interesting, and of course my eyes tell me that the Gamecocks will face off with Gazonga in a final WHAT THE ASS

*reading glasses, reading glasses, here they are*

*crap, I spilled coffee on them somehow*

*wipe wipe*

...huh. They really are the Gamecocks. However, they are not facing off with some giant Gazongas, but instead are facing Gonzaga. Not Gazonga.

Also, unrelated to this, it was raining cats and dogs and I might not have carried an umbrella and so my pants were soaked from the knees down.

Thanks, Monday. You do you.
Thanks to the unexpected but awesome resurgence of LJ users, and the subsequent acquisition of new friends, I feel the need to post another introduction. This will make me seem cool and amazing, which in turn will lead to crushing disappointment in six months when you learn that it's all a horrible sham and I'm really just a creepy hermit huddled under a blanket watching Voltron5.

This might get long and wordy and may have pictures, so here's a cut tag for convenience.

Facebook's lack of cut tags and organizational methods makes it a far inferior platform. )
This post is dedicated entirely to [ profile] i_calql8.

Carry on.
So, for those of you who know me, you are probably fully aware that if by some chance I were to encounter an article about cyborg penis implants, I would have no choice but to a) read it and b) mock it without hesitation.

And so, without further ado, let us contemplate the article entitled "Man Given Eight-Inch Bionic Penis After Losing Use Of Genitals In An Accident".

Cut because... well, not for any good reason. Cyborg cocks deserve attention. )
Let's agree that most of the Internet is crap, with its "You won't believe what happens when you click this link!" mentality nowadays. But every once in a while, one finds a gem hiding in the muck, surprising you with its unexpected humor despite being found on a notoriously failtastic site. So, here, live from Buzzfeed (a wretched hive of scum and villainy), comes Jurassic Park From The Dinosaurs' Point Of View.
So, this article made its way across my facebook feed…

Average Penis Size Revealed In Study Results

…and of course I had to read it because… well, just because. Shut up, don’t judge me. You just read it too, didn’t you? That’s right, you did. Shut up.

But an article like this merits greater scrutiny. Nay, it DEMANDS that scrutiny. So let’s take a little walk together and look at this article in greater depth without considering for a moment the fact that maybe British researchers need a hobby or something.

Also, I dedicate this post to [ profile] skullgrrl, because she once shared with me another article done by serious scientists.

Danger: Wang jokes ahead. Do I dare say 'Prickly Subject Matter'? Or 'Ridickulously Amusing Article'? Or 'Research Concockts Cock Plot'? The possibilities are endless. )
Little known fact about me: I do like culture. I know, I may seem like an uncultured swine about 99% of the time, but I have an inexplicable knowledge and appreciation of certain "classical" works of human culture. So, while I might make fun of William Shakespeare and his works, that doesn't mean I cannot appreciate them. Same with painting, or sculpture, or music. Especially music; my knowledge of the works of Beethoven and Bach probably exceeds my knowledge of any 20th/21st century musician. This is not an exaggeration.

A more well known fact about me: I drink alcohol. Not, like, hourly. But I do enjoy a gin and tonic as a refreshing beverage, and I know what wines I like, and what beers I like, and (as many of my friends have learned) I like to mix up drinks and create strange and terrible concoctions. Sometimes they work, like the Flaming Coconut Monkey (1/2 Malibu rum, 1/2 99 Bananas schnapps, layer of Bacardi 151, ignite). Sometimes they don't, like that time I mixed Rumpelminz and Coke for [ profile] marasca. Sorry, [ profile] marasca.

You might be asking yourself, "What do these facts have in common?" Good question. Let's have some storytime to explain this in greater detail...

Drinking and Shakespeare! Holy shit! )

Deja View?

Jun. 23rd, 2014 02:20 pm
Yes, that feeling you have when you've done all this before. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I'm getting old, and my eyeballs aren't exactly operating on full thrusters. Today's glorious misread is, again, borne from the sports headlines:

"Isaiah Austin diagnosed with Martian syndrome, basketball career over."

I agree with this completely. If the Martians want to play basketball, they can form their own leagues and keep it to themselves. Martians have no place in human sports.

...hmm, maybe that's not correct after all. Let's see here... reading glasses...

"Isaiah Austin diagnosed with MARFAN syndrome, basketball career over."

...well fine. I still think those Martians should keep their shapeshifting asses out of our sports. Yes, you too, J'onn J'onnz. Frigging Martians.
On a drive this weekend, I extend all the mad props to the guy in this car for being a classic Sci-Fi fan:

Now I have to find the guys who nabbed NCC1701 and LV486. ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha just doesn't fit on conventional plates here, alas.
Thanks to my awesome friend [ profile] skullgrrl, I discovered this. A few months ago, BBC put this article on their Science News page:

Giant Prehistoric Toilet Unearthed

This article truly deserves some careful analysis and consideration to determine exactly how awesome it really is.

Listen, I love science as much as anyone else. But I also love making fun of stuff, and I couldn't stop myself. So, to use an appropriate phrase, I'm letting the shit hit the fan here. )
So I'm coming into work on a Saturday because that happens on occasion, and I get off the bus and head to the escalator. Lo and behold, one of the two escalators is out of order, and they've switched the normal "up" to "down" for our convenience. At the bottom, next to the offline escalator, is a sign:

So of course I have to wonder about escalators taking illicit substances. Going down the wrong path, as it were. Maybe suddenly straightening out their stairs in mid-ride? Switching directions and causing passengers to stumble? Moving the handrail and the stairwell at different speeds and directions?

And then, how exactly does rehab go? Is there an Elisha Otis Home For Wayward People Movers? "Hi, I'm an Otis MH-5, and I freebase motor oil and diesel fuel, and last week I stopped suddenly when the Greenville Retirement Community was on their way to the basement of the Taj Mahal casino. All those walkers and canes rattling and tumbling... all that screaming... I'm so sorry... Otis help me, I would do it again in a gearbeat. I need help."

Or maybe I'm just overthinking this. ;-)
So there's a section of Barnes and Noble where literature is hanging out and gathering dust, because let's face it, Herman Melville and co. can be pretty dry and boring when you get down to it. But still, these are works of classic literature that all must know and partake of. So you of course have the childrens' version of these books, like ultra-abridged Cliff Notes with pretty pictures. And, hey, it's a good way to get children to familiarize themselves with the classics without crushing their souls under hundreds of torturous pages of excess blathering. Some of the books are even "interactive", to really suck the little buggers in. How could this possibly go wrong?

That's how.

EDIT: As a bonus, I do believe that Moby Dick was a sperm whale. That is all.
Today one of my co-workers gave me some candy.

In other news, the thesaurus tells me that the phrase "Fortunate Johnson" is completely awesome.
So, in this morning's paper I read that NYC has had its first swine flu fatality.

The guy's last name? Wiener.

Dear Swine Flu,

Hi there! I see you're reveling in your newfound celebrity today. You even rate a Pandemic Level Four Five with the World Health Organization. That's some pretty hot shit right there. I just want to advise you not to get too comfy up there in the spotlight. You might want to check out your friends SARS and Avian Flu. They were hot shit back in the day too, and look at them now. Folks can't even spell SARS anymore, it's that far under the radar. Your time will come soon enough. Now get out of the news; you're blocking my view of Air Force One playing a late April Fools Joke on Manhattan.


[ profile] chaosvizier

PS - Dear Media Outlets, please wake me up when velociraptor flu makes its debut. I think I'll start paying attention then.


Nov. 14th, 2008 08:26 am
Today I learned about lesbian koalas.

While I really should just leave this alone, I am compelled to analyze this article and bring the hard-hitting truth straight to your metaphorical doorsteps.1

Beware, for this way lies only madness and despair. And Prop.8-hatin' koalas. )

1This is in no way meant to offend anyone of the lesbian persuasion. This is just for funnies. If you are easily offended... well, I'm not sure what you're doing on my LJ anyway. ;-)
Well, ladies and gentlemen and other things that read this, it's another year divisible by four, and you know what that means: Februarys, now with 3.6% more Feb! Olympic thingamajiggers, now with a billion percent more China! But most of all it means an election year for We The People. And that means campaigning. And mudslinging. And baby kissing. And commercials. And ham. Well, maybe no ham. Shame, that.

There's a lot of talk about who's the right candidate for president. Democrats, Republicans, Independents... Hell, there's even a Nazi candidate out there. We haven't had a good Nazi in power in... well, forever, I suppose. There are no good Nazis. But that's beside the point. The real point is, everyone should stop wasting all this time and vote for me. Why, you might ask? What do I have to offer that makes me a better choice than any other candidate? I asked this question four years ago, but I was still underage to run. But now, my time has come. Join me, and we shall make this nation great once more!

This is where it goes south. And you know you want to come with me on this trip. Note also that no serious political discussion occurs here, so if you're looking for intellectual stimulation, hit the 'Page Down' button now. )
What follows is a terrifying journey into madness, horror, and goblins. Well, ok, I'm making that all up. It's really just about a bunch of geeks playing games.

Sid Meier, thou art a fiend most villainous! )
So, [ profile] jmspencer mentioned in his LJ that they were doing casting calls for Spider-Man: The Musical, here in New York City.

Here's where I start thinking, which as you all know is where it starts going downhill. )
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