I was challenged to hit up Netflix and watch something campy and cheesy. Specifically, "Zombeavers". Yes, it's about zombie beavers. Yes, I am drinking. No, I'm probably not drinking enough. [livejournal.com profile] bending_sickle will owe me for this one.

And so, without further ado, here's the play-by-play of...*drumroll*

Zombeavers

I mean, really, on the list of terrible ideas I've had, this isn't even top ten material. But that doesn't make this a good idea. Not by any stretch of the imagination. )

Holy Crap

Sep. 26th, 2015 05:53 pm
Hahaha, I see what I did there. Why? Because pictures. This was my day at work on Friday.

Cut for ze beeg peekchurz )
So, for those of you who know me, you are probably fully aware that if by some chance I were to encounter an article about cyborg penis implants, I would have no choice but to a) read it and b) mock it without hesitation.

And so, without further ado, let us contemplate the article entitled "Man Given Eight-Inch Bionic Penis After Losing Use Of Genitals In An Accident".

Cut because... well, not for any good reason. Cyborg cocks deserve attention. )
So, the internet appears to be abuzz with the technique to summon a Mexican demon named Charlie.

1) Really, internet? Really?
2) I'm of the (perhaps unusual?) opinion that a Mexican demon would be named Carlos, not Charlie. But perhaps I should be open to Carlos's adoption of anglicized nicknames. It's his choice; who am I to decide for him?
3) My knowledge of demonology is questionable, but do demons have Earthly nationalities? Were they not formed from the primeval aether at the dawn of creation? Or do they spring into being from the collective subconscious of mankind, drawing upon the nationality of the believers?
4) Did Carlos/Charlie take into account the nature of 21st century Earth technology when he allowed his summoning mechanism to be publicized? Because it looks like he's getting several thousand summons an hour. How does he pick and choose who he visits? Is he getting really tired? Like "Ok, five seconds to rattle their lampshades. Cut power here, half a second. Cracked mirror, two seconds. Haul up to Chicago for a few minutes, then back to Dublin, and Cairo... sweet Jesus, this is the worst idea ever... shit, did I say Jesus? Oh man, boss is gonna yell at me."
5) Is the chubacabra jealous of all the attention Carlos/Charlie is getting? He used to be the number one Mexican spook, but Charlie's got the web by the balls and isn't letting go. Poor goat sucker. Born in the wrong century.
6) No really, internet. Are we seriously doing this? Can't we just say Bloody Mary in the mirror three times like the good old days?

In summary, people are crazy, I'm still sober, and if you say my name five times to a gin bottle, I'll try to head over there soonest and maybe rattle something. But you gotta mean it.
Decades later, the Mad Max series returns to the big screen with a big action-packed something (sequel? remake? other?) to remind us that, even years in the future, Australia is still 99% made of things that want to kill you.

Mad Max: Fury Road

There's only one road ever visible in this movie, so I guess that's Fury Road, just off of Anger Avenue and Pissed-Off Lane. )
What's big in the theaters today? Everything! No, that's not true. It's just another Marvel blockbuster for your enjoyment. Let's see what our evil buddy Ultron has to say.

Avengers: Age of Ultron

Good guys win, bad guys lose... that pretty much sums up most superhero films. This is no exception. )
I've seen a lot of movies lately, and talked about none of them because I'm a slacker. But it's a new year, and I should post more in this new year, even though a quarter of it is already gone, and so much for that goal. But whatever. Let's talk about movies!

Oodles of movies here. I like the word oodles. I also like noodles. Do I therefore like oodles of noodles? Indoodleably. )
Let's agree that most of the Internet is crap, with its "You won't believe what happens when you click this link!" mentality nowadays. But every once in a while, one finds a gem hiding in the muck, surprising you with its unexpected humor despite being found on a notoriously failtastic site. So, here, live from Buzzfeed (a wretched hive of scum and villainy), comes Jurassic Park From The Dinosaurs' Point Of View.
So, this article made its way across my facebook feed…

Average Penis Size Revealed In Study Results

…and of course I had to read it because… well, just because. Shut up, don’t judge me. You just read it too, didn’t you? That’s right, you did. Shut up.

But an article like this merits greater scrutiny. Nay, it DEMANDS that scrutiny. So let’s take a little walk together and look at this article in greater depth without considering for a moment the fact that maybe British researchers need a hobby or something.

Also, I dedicate this post to [livejournal.com profile] skullgrrl, because she once shared with me another article done by serious scientists.

Danger: Wang jokes ahead. Do I dare say 'Prickly Subject Matter'? Or 'Ridickulously Amusing Article'? Or 'Research Concockts Cock Plot'? The possibilities are endless. )
Today, LiveJournal's Writer's Block asks the question, "Do you ever think about changing careers? What do you dream about doing? What prevents you from making the switch?"

And, in a rare bout of blogging and introspection, I'm going to actually answer this question.

I suppose I got lucky - I got a job straight out of college, doing simple clerical stuff in an office. It was temporary, for four months, but hey, four months of pay after college is better than zero months of pay. So I did that, and typed a whole bunch of stuff, and did a decent job, and then eventually was offered a real job that was not temporary in the same office, and I took that, because again, straight out of college, job >>>>> no job.

That was 20 years ago. I have no regrets about staying the same office; I've moved up over the years, and I like what I do. Because of this job I've visited countries I would never have visited before. I've met people from literally every nation on Earth. I've met Presidents and Kings and Heads of Governments. Am I pulling in 7 figures and living a life of luxury? No. But that's not the point or the requirement. I enjoy my job, I have a lot of fun here, and I would not change my choices one bit.

In a dream world, sure, I'd be a world-famous author. But I'm not, and I just write for fun to keep my brain working. It's better that way, mostly because my writing is not actually world-class. Or even town-class. It might not have any class at all, in fact. But I don't care. Right now, I have a job that I love and enjoy, and maybe younger job-hopping people look at me and say I'm old and stagnant, but that's not true at all. I'm just old. ;-)
Been a while since I reviewed a movie here. I should do that again. Let's start with something light and fluffy, and surprisingly entertaining. Well, for me at least. But I'm easily entertained.

The Penguins of Madagascar

I'm going to spoil the funniest joke in this review, because it made me cry. )
Fun Science Fact: The Portuguese Man O'War is considered one of the most dangerous jellyfish-like creatures around (technically it is not a jellyfish, it just acts like one and gets to go to their parties and stuff).

I went to a beach which, at low tide, was strewn with stranded Men O'War. STREWN. No, not like two or three. DOZENS. Just lying there on the beach, waiting for you to accidentally step on their tentacles so that, even in their dying moments, they could still claim a victim, gurgling in their Jellyfish Language "From Hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee."

Everyone remember: the ocean wants to kill you. Always.
Little known fact about me: I do like culture. I know, I may seem like an uncultured swine about 99% of the time, but I have an inexplicable knowledge and appreciation of certain "classical" works of human culture. So, while I might make fun of William Shakespeare and his works, that doesn't mean I cannot appreciate them. Same with painting, or sculpture, or music. Especially music; my knowledge of the works of Beethoven and Bach probably exceeds my knowledge of any 20th/21st century musician. This is not an exaggeration.

A more well known fact about me: I drink alcohol. Not, like, hourly. But I do enjoy a gin and tonic as a refreshing beverage, and I know what wines I like, and what beers I like, and (as many of my friends have learned) I like to mix up drinks and create strange and terrible concoctions. Sometimes they work, like the Flaming Coconut Monkey (1/2 Malibu rum, 1/2 99 Bananas schnapps, layer of Bacardi 151, ignite). Sometimes they don't, like that time I mixed Rumpelminz and Coke for [livejournal.com profile] marasca. Sorry, [livejournal.com profile] marasca.

You might be asking yourself, "What do these facts have in common?" Good question. Let's have some storytime to explain this in greater detail...

Drinking and Shakespeare! Holy shit! )
I've been behind on all of this summer's big blockbusters. These things happen. But it's time to sit down and catch up and figure out what's good and what's bad. Ok, everything's bad. Let's just carry on with two movies and see what happens.

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

No Charlton Hestons were harmed during filming. Also, people still don't know what Andy Serkis looks like. )

Transformers: Age of Extinction

MICHAELBAYSPLODED!!!! )

Deja View?

Jun. 23rd, 2014 02:20 pm
Yes, that feeling you have when you've done all this before. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I'm getting old, and my eyeballs aren't exactly operating on full thrusters. Today's glorious misread is, again, borne from the sports headlines:

"Isaiah Austin diagnosed with Martian syndrome, basketball career over."

I agree with this completely. If the Martians want to play basketball, they can form their own leagues and keep it to themselves. Martians have no place in human sports.

...hmm, maybe that's not correct after all. Let's see here... reading glasses...

"Isaiah Austin diagnosed with MARFAN syndrome, basketball career over."

...well fine. I still think those Martians should keep their shapeshifting asses out of our sports. Yes, you too, J'onn J'onnz. Frigging Martians.
We've been seeing a lot of super heroes lately, with Captain America and Spider Man just past and the Guardians of the Galaxy coming soon. So what's up with our band of merry mutants, hated and feared by a world they've sworn to protect? Well... let's find out!

X-Men: Days of Future Past

Time travel? Pshaw! Oh wait, it's psychic time travel... double pshaw! )
So, the other day, I made a food.

Now, some of you know me well enough to immediately be skeptical, if not outright disbelieving. And you would be justified in your reactions. My skill in the kitchen is... less than exemplary. My culinary masterpieces range from simple cold-cut sandwiches to Hot Pockets, with only Ramen Noodles in between. The microwave is my weapon of choice. I have messed up pasta. I have messed up sandwiches. I have set Spaghetti-Os on fire. Really, the kitchen is not my domain.4

So, when I say "I made a food", even I wouldn't believe me, if I hadn't been... well, me.

This actually does not end in tragedy or horror. I am as shocked as you are. )
About a year ago, I noted that Pacific Rim was the movie that Godzilla movies were meant to be. So what happens when Godzilla 2014 tries to be the movie that Godzilla movies were meant to be (except for that Matthew Broderick debacle, Of Which We Shall Not Speak)?

Let's find out.

GODZILLA

Godzilla is King of the Monsters. Flash Gordon is King of the Impossible. Gamera is Friend to all Children. Two of these beings do not appear in this film. )
Let's talk more about superheroes. Captain America is the boy scout, the good wholesome guy. Now we have a different character: Peter Parker, aka Spider Man.

The Amazing Spider Man 2

Spider harder. )
There are a lot of big movies coming up - Spider Man 2, Godzilla, Maleficent, X-Men: Days of Future Past - so I'll start by catching up on the big action movie up until the May movies kick in.

Captain America: The Winter Soldier

Some people say that this is the best Marvel Cinematic Universe movie to date. That's a big statement, but it's not hard to see where they're coming from. )
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