[personal profile] chaosvizier
Apparently the movie "The Fifth Element" is twenty years old. Apparently also, I am frigging ancient. Get off my lawn, you young whippersnappers!

That being said, they were showing the director's cut of the film in celebration, and I'm down with some young Bruce Willis and some Milla Jovovich, with Gary Oldman thrown in for good measure. So there you have it.

How is this movie, you might ask, if you haven't seen it already once in the past 20 years?

Good question.

French Guy makes movies; Americans are stunned. Film at eleven. Hah, film. That's poor comedy.

Director Luc Besson was talking about the movie, and also talking about his new project, "Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets", and how he had wanted to do a Valerian movie, but the technology was not quite there yet, so The Fifth Element happened instead. And now, ages later and with extra incentive from the technological marvel that was "Avatar", he was ready to make Valerian.

But all of that is boring. We've got a movie with Bruce Willis back when he had hair. That's some crazy shit. Hair! on Bruce! We haven't seen that in... two decades, apparently.

The plot: You know, there's nothing I can say here that adequately describes what happens. We'll call it a classic 'good vs evil' storyline and pretend like that's the truth.

The pros: Luke Perry. Hah! I kid. Poor Luke Perry, the little guy still gets no respect. This movie is great because it makes no sense. Why does Gary Oldman have a pet elephant-rodent? Because! Chinese delivery in a floating boat-restaurant delivered to your window 500 stories up? Why not! Rebuild a person from a remaining undamaged body part? Sure! A floating pleasure palace hotel with alien opera singers? Yes of course! An evil planet that shows up every five thousand years and knows how to make a phone call? But of course! You go to this movie for some action and adventure, and you stay because your brain is paralyzed by all the weird shit that is happening on screen. It's a successful train wreck, and you're mesmerized. Also, every time the Shadow interacts with someone, they bleed from the skull. I wish I had that power.

The bonus pros: There are definitely a lot of extras in this director's cut. A lot of small scenes, a few larger ones in the hotel on Phloston, in Bruce's cab in the beginning with the police chase, with the Mangalores, and so on.

The cons: This is tough. Chris Tucker plays Ruby Rhod with 100% manic energy and dedication. Ruby Rhod is completely believable and over the top and out of control, and I just hate the character. I probably shouldn't blame Chris Tucker for that, because he does the job right. But he is definitely the Jar-Jar Binks of this movie, and that is no compliment. Also, do you see how big those stones are? How exactly did the Diva have all four of them hiding in her torso? How did they get in there? How was she planning to get them back out?

The verdict: Not as special-effects heavy as modern productions, but still a fun-filled romp through sci-fi with explosions and action and adventure and Bruce Willis's hair.

Note: The entire "Leeloo Dallas Mul-Ti-Pass" scene is still funny. Multipass, heh.
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